


retro ad principium

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Series: incipimus iterum [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Connor and Jared being sort of friends, Connor and Jared bonding, Depression, Drug Abuse, Friends to Lovers, Hash Browns, I have exams tomorrow, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Slow Burn, So I'm writing fanfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Tree Bros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-02-07 17:13:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12845745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: Evan wasn’t sure how to feel.Everything was falling apart. Jared hated him. Alana hated him. The Murphy’s hated him. Even his mom hated him.[he has a second chance to make things right. maybe this time he won't mess up and he'll step straight into the sun]





	1. Chapter 1

Evan wasn’t sure how to feel.

Everything was falling apart. Jared hated him. Alana hated him. The Murphy’s hated him. Even his mom hated him. 

That last one hurt the most. He had always figured his mom would be on his side, no matter what. Granted he never factored in the possibility of him pretending to be friends with someone who killed himself. 

God, she had every reason to hate him. They all did. He fucked up, big time. He should have never let Connor run off with that note. He shouldn’t have lied to the Murphy’s, he should have just told them the truth. He should have climbed higher. 

He brought the sleeve of his sweater up to his face to wipe away the tears. He was crying, but not sobbing. He wasn’t sure how. He felt like he needed to, or at least wanted to. That was the appropriate response to this, but something was holding him back. Something was telling him it’s okay to not cry. 

Something was telling him he just felt empty. Which, wasn’t a lie. He did feel empty. He had for a while, long before the whole Connor Project situation. Maybe this was his default setting, and anything else was just a side effect of the situation. That made sense. It explained why he couldn’t cry like he wanted to. 

Evan glanced at his phone. He had turned it off early in the night after an attempt at apologizing to Jared went south. He didn’t know why he thought it’d go any differently. 

_You fucked up. You used him. You used everyone. And for what? A life that wasn’t yours. You don’t deserve friends. You should be alone. You should-._

Evan frowned. His thoughts often ran off like that, taking over his mind. Normally he wasn’t able to pull himself out of it so easily. He was usually forced to the backseat, watching as the world passed by around him. 

He picked at his cast. His new cast. One he got after a not so friendly shove from someone ended with a tumble down the stairs at school. Connor’s name was no longer staring up at him but he wouldn’t, he couldn’t forget it. The phantom letters only he saw were nice reminder of how he ruined everyone around him. His relationship with his mom. His already barely-there friendship with Jared. His chances with having a normal relationship with Zoe and her family. Hell, wasn’t the whole situation his fault? If he hadn’t written that damn letter than Connor might not have… 

_You’re right you know. Connor’s dead because of you. It should have been you. He had so much to live for. You? You’re pathetic. You ruined a family. Gave them false hope about their son and then tore it all away._

Evan curled in on himself, clutching his head. 

_What did you think was going to happen? Did you think they’d forgive you? You’re a monster. No one is going to forgive you._

He couldn’t breathe. Tears were finally blurring his vision, but Evan didn’t want them anymore. He wanted them to stop. He wanted to breathe. He wanted everything to go away. He reached towards his bedside table, blindly feeling around for the bottle of Xanax. It was his emergency bottle in case something like this happened. 

He swallowed the pill without any water. It wasn’t easy. He always had trouble taking his medication, the panic attack not helping. 

Evan curled on the bed holding his arm to his chest. Sobs shook his body. He tried counting his breathing but it wasn’t helping. The Xanax wasn’t working. Everything was still too much. His chest hurt. He was still gasping for air. It was too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. 

_You know how to fix it, Evan._

Knowing how to fix it and wanting to fix it were two different things, but at this point he would give anything for the pressure to go away. 

Evan looked at the bottle of pills still on open and spilling onto his bed. How much would it take to kill him? It couldn’t be too much. 

He stood up. He had to lean against his wall for support, but he managed to make it to his desk. Lying, face up, was the letter that started this all. He turned it over. If he was going to do this, he might as well make it poetic. Evan picked up a pen and started to write. 

__**Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why: because today it’s over. The Connor Project. The lies. Everything.**  
**It’s a bit ironic, isn’t it? A letter started this mess and a letter is going to end it.**  
**I never meant for it to goes this far. I never meant for you to see that letter, I never meant for you to take your own life, I never meant to lie about it. But sometimes things happen. If I could, I’d take it all back. Not just the Connor Project, but the letters, and the broken arm. I think about that a lot. What if I climbed higher? What if I jumped forward rather than let go? The branches wouldn’t have slowed my fall. I would have hit the ground harder. It might have been enough.**  
**Words fail. They cannot express how much I regret everything. I regret using you. I regret lying to your family. I regret thinking that I could have a normal life. Nothing about me is normal. Nothing about me will ever been normal. That’s why I have to do this. I’m giving my mom a better chance at life. I’m taking the eyes away from your family.**  
**What’s the afterlife like? I’ll be joining you soon enough. Maybe we can be friends, actual friends. No pretending. No made up afternoons. Just, the two of us. That sounds nice.**  
**Sincerely,**  
**me  
**

Evan dropped the pen. His hands were shaking but he felt oddly calm. It was like there was someone watching over him, telling him everything was going to be okay. 

He wasn’t certain, but he had a feeling he knew who it was. 

Evan hobbled back over to his bed. He grabbed the bottle and counted. There were fifteen pills. He frowned. He wasn’t sure how much would cause an overdose, he wanted to be certain this would work. What if the fifteen wasn’t enough? What if he just ended up in the hospital a bigger disappointment than he already was? He had more meds somewhere. Ones that didn’t work out. Sertraline. Evan couldn’t remember where he had put them. In his dresser? 

He kept a tight hold on the Xanax bottle as he made his way across the room, like he was afraid it would disappear if he let go. There, in the top drawer of his dresser, was the half-empty bottle of Sertraline. He was only on it for a few months before they all agreed it wasn’t working. He was supposed to finish it off before switching to his new prescription but found himself unable to. It was as though he was worried something like this would happen and he’d need the medication again. 

Evan’s eyes were drawn to pile of shirts he knew was hiding a bottle of whiskey. Jared had brought it over sometime junior year and never took it back. Evan looked at the Sertraline prescription. The label read “don’t take with alcohol”. Evan moved the shirts and grabbed the bottle. 

He didn’t get back on his bed. He sat on the floor leaning against the foot of the mattress. In front of him were both bottles of pills and the whiskey. Evan didn’t know if it would be enough, but it’s all he had in his room. He wanted to stay in here. Just in case his mom came home early. Just in case she decided to check on him. 

She wouldn’t, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t get his hopes up. 

Sometime between leaving his dresser and sitting on the floor he had locked the door. It wasn’t anything new. He had been doing that a lot lately. Locking himself in. No one had to see the mess that he was that way. He stared at the blank cast as he picked up the first pills. 

“Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why: because today you’re making amends.” He started with the Sertraline. “You’re letting them go. All of them.” He put two of the pills in his mouth and washed them down with the whiskey. “Your mom can focus on her classes, no longer having to worry about the disappointment you’ve become.” Two more. “Jared doesn’t have to lie for his car insurance anymore.” Three. “Alana can finally drop the Connor Project.” He finished the Sertraline. His throat burned and his vision was fuzzy. “The Murphys can tell the truth. They can let the whole world know about how badly you fucked up.” He felt oddly calm. He took two of the Xanax. “Connor can finally be remembered for who he was and not who you made him out to be.” He was out of Xanax. When did that happen? “When you’re falling in a forest and nobody’s around, you don’t need to make a sound. You don’t deserve to be found.” 

Evan wished he had some water. His throat was burning. Everything was hurting. Maybe this was a mistake. He shouldn’t have done something so stupid. He was leaving his mom alone. Who would watch after her? Who would make sure she takes care of herself? 

_She’ll find someone. Without you dragging her down she might finally start dating again._

Ah. Something that made sense. She had always been so focused on Evan that she never got a chance to do things for herself. She deserved this opportunity. 

“Damn Evan. You really did it.” 

He blinked up at the voice. How long had he been lying on the ground? 

“Wha-?” 

Connor Murphy was staring down at him. He didn’t look like the Connor his mind had created back when the You Will Be Found speech went online, the best friend who climbed trees in abandoned fields and got ice cream at À La Mode. He looked like a broken Connor. Like the real Connor. 

“You’re an idiot. I hope you know that.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Connor crouched down and put his hands on Evan’s face. Evan felt himself moving as Connor turned his head side to side inspecting Evan. “No you’re not. You had everything you ever wanted and you threw it away. You’re not sorry for anyone but yourself.” Connor let go and stood up. Evan reached for him but Connor turned away. Evan would only watch as Connor picked the letter up from his desk. “Did you really write your note to me? I’m dead. Not gonna be around to read it.” There was a hint of sadness in his voice. 

“I… I couldn’t, not to them. You were the only one,” Evan started coughing.

“I get it. You fucked up your relationship with everyone else. I was the next best thing. Relax. Take a chill pill or something.” Connor’s face twisted into something unrecognizable. Evan didn’t like it. “Oh wait. You already did that.” 

Evan felt tired. Connor looked bored by his lack of reactions but what could he do?

“Hurts.” 

Connor sighed and sat next to Evan. “Of course it does. Haven’t you ever read about overdosing? It’s the worst pain you can go through. Your body starts shutting down. Breathing becomes increasingly difficult, your body heats up in an effort to save itself. There’s paranoia, hallucinations... Though I think you know that. How else would I? I’m a figment of your dying brains imagination. Your hallucination.” 

Evan’s stomach was lurching. He felt sick. 

Connor laid his hand on Evan’s forehead. He felt cold. It was a nice feeling, Evan leaned into the touch. 

“Just close your eyes, Evan.” 

For once, Evan listened.


	2. Chapter 2

His eyes snapped open. He was staring up at his ceiling. 

_It didn’t work._

Evan was disappointed. He was hoping that was it. That he was finally getting what he deserved, but of course nothing ever happens the way he hopes. 

_Wait._

He should be in a hospital. Right? He was alive, which meant his mom found him. She wouldn’t lay him down in bed. She would have called an ambulance, sent him to the psych ward, maybe somewhere out of state where she wouldn’t have to deal with him. Not this.

Carefully he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He looked around, taking in his settings. This was definitely his bedroom. It was clean, a complete 180 compared to how destroyed it was last night. He was also in actual pyjamas. Not the clothes he had been wearing for three days in a row. 

“Right. This okay. This fine. Nothing weird going on here. You’re just having a mental breakdown. That’s what this is. That’s what this has to be. You’re going to wake up in the hospital. Or not at all. Just. What the fuck.” 

Evan was aware his breathing had hitched. He was also aware of the pain he felt from pressing down on the bed too hard with his broken arm. He dealt with that first, it was easier. He lifted his arm and laid it across his lap to rest it. _Wait, what?_

This wasn’t his cast. At least, not the cast he had last night. That cast was dirty, on the verge of falling apart from mistreatment. This was in perfect condition, not a speck of dirt to be seen. It looked more like his first cast, the one he had gotten from the tree. 

He scrambled out of bed. There on his bedside table was the bottle of Xanax. Still mostly full. Just like it had been before he got into it. He found the Sertraline was the same. 

“What the fuck.” 

Evan didn’t like cursing. He had no reason for it other than the words felt weird coming from his mouth. Jared had no such qualms and said anything that came to mind. When they were younger Evan liked to joke that he had no filter. 

“So you just decided to not eat last night?” 

Evan’s eyes shot up. Standing in his bedroom door, holding a twenty, was his mom. She was talking to him. Actually talking to him. This was the first time she was saying something to him without first being prompted to in weeks. 

“What?” 

“You’re a senior in high school, Evan. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work. You can do it all online now. You don’t have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don’t like the phone.” 

Evan was ninety percent sure he was dreaming. This was a conversation he already had with his mom weeks ago. It was like she didn’t even remember it. 

Actually… The way she stood, the way she looked at him, it was like she didn’t remember anything Evan had done. Which had been what he wanted. He wanted them to go back to the ways things were before, but this wasn’t exactly how he envisioned it. 

“I’m, uh, yeah. I know.” Heidi didn’t look convinced and Evan didn’t feel convinced. What did he say last time? “It’s just, you have to deal with the delivery person. They have to make change and you have to stand there while they make change.” 

“This is what you’re supposed to be working on, Evan. With Dr. Sherman? Talking to people. Engaging with people. Not running away from people.” 

This was the weirdest sense of deja vu. It was making Evan uncomfortable. It looked like Heidi was picking up on it. She was inspecting him, looking him over like he was sick or maybe even crazy. Evan wasn’t crazy, but he sure was feeling like it.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m working on it?” 

“No, I know. I know you are. And that’s why I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon. I’ll pick you up right after school.” 

“Right. Okay. That’s fine.” That surprised Heidi. She looked like she was expecting Evan to try and protest the appointment. He shrugged and tried to play it off. “I was thinking I needed one.”

“Have you been doing those letters he wants you to? The letters to yourself? The pep talks? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why.’ Have you been doing those?” 

“I uh, I’ve done a few. I’m not sure how good they are.” It was true. He had done a few of them. Granted they were written in the point of view of Connor Murphy and were less about having a good day and more about faking a friendship. If need be he could reword those to better fit the situation. Maybe. Evan wasn’t sure. Jared had helped him write them. He’d probably have a better idea on how to fix them.

“That’s good! They don’t have to be perfect. They’re going to help you build your confidence.” 

“R-right.” 

“I don’t want another year of you sitting at home on your computer every Friday night, telling me you have no friends.” 

Evan was going crazy. It was official. “Neither do I.” 

“Can we try to have an optimistic outlook? Can we buck up just enough to see the world won’t fall apart? Maybe this year we decide, we’re not giving up before we’ve tried. This year we can have a new start.” Heidi looked around his room. She settled on a sharpie. On the sharpie. Evan felt sick to his stomach when she picked it up. “Hey, I know! You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast, how about that? That would be the perfect icebreak, wouldn’t it?” 

Evan already knew how that went. He asked three people before giving up until Connor asked him to sign it in the computer lab. Maybe this would be different? Or maybe it would be another disaster. In his opinion, it was already a disaster. 

“Perfect.” 

“I’m proud of you already.” 

Heidi patted him on the shoulder and walked from the room, setting the sharpie back down on her way out. Evan stared at it. He was half-tempted to leave it. He was very tempted to crawl back into bed and pretend that none of this was happening. It probably wasn’t. These kind of things didn’t happen. 

Evan grabbed the sharpie on his way out of the house.

\---

The high school looked the same as always. Evan didn’t want to go in. He would much prefer to go home, maybe lie in bed and cry a bit. A group of freshmen pushed past him to get in the school. Evan sighed and made his way up the steps. 

Everything was the exact same. He frowned and walked towards his locker, only to be stopped by Alana. 

“Hey! How was your summer?” 

“Awful.” He deadpanned. Alana seemed taken aback but she didn’t let it deter her for too long. 

“That’s terrible! Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know: wow.” 

“I fell out of a tree.” 

Alana’s eyes widened and she looked down at his cast. “Oh no! That’s horrible. My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctor said. Because then she died. Anyways, happy first day!” 

“Yeah. Happy first day.” 

Evan walked to his locker and starting messing with his locker combination. What happened next? First was Alana and that went easily enough. If he remembered correctly next was Jared.

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm jerking off too much or is that an honor?” 

“Guiness said they’ll be sending me my plaque by the end of the month.”

Jared looked shocked. Something flashed through his eyes but it was gone just as fast. “Damn Evan, I leave you for two months and you’re throwing shade like J.K. Rowling. What happened?” 

Evan shrugged. He wasn’t sure why he said that. Trying to change the narrative? “I fell out of a tree. Decided I needed to take more risks.” 

Jared narrowed his eyes. “Who are you and what have you done with Evan Hansen?” 

Evan swallowed nervously. He could fix this. Jared wouldn’t suspect a thing. He just had to fix it. What would be the easiest way to fix it?

“Do you want to sign my cast?” 

Jared frowned and looked down at Evan’s arm. “Why are you asking me?” 

“Well, just, I thought because we’re friends.” 

“We’re family friends. That’s like, a whole different thing and you know it. Hey. Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you otherwise my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.” 

“Yeah, I will.”

Jared turned to leave but stopped as someone walked by. He smiled in a way that Evan could only describe as “Jared’s about to fuck something up”. 

“Hey, Connor. I’m loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” 

It was silent. Connor was staring at Jared, Jared was shifting uncomfortably under his gaze and Evan was staring at Connor. Alive. And well, not dead. 

“What the fuck.” Evan whispered quietly. It was enough to break the tension between Jared and Connor as both of them fixed him with a look Evan couldn’t quite decipher. Not that he was trying. He kept looking between Jared and Connor. “I’m dreaming. This is a dream. I’ll either wake up in the hospital or not at all. See you guys later.” Evan turned and walked away. He could vaguely hear Jared and Connor’s disbelief in the hall behind him. 

“Never knew Hansen did drugs.” 

“He doesn’t. At least, I don’t think so. Jesus Christ, if he’s on drugs his mom is going to tell my mom and then I’m dead.” 

“Sounds like a personal problem.” 

Evan walked to his first period. He sat in the back corner. Everything happened exactly like it had that first day. No one sat next to him. His teacher handed out books and then had everyone do icebreakers until the bell rang. 

The same thing happened with second. 

And third. 

And fourth. 

By the end of the day Evan was done. He didn’t know what was happening. He felt like he was floating. Taking a back seat to watch the disaster that was his life. It’s not like he could tell anyone. The only person he could think of telling would be Jared and the thought of that was enough to send Evan into an attack during lunch. Sure, this Jared didn’t know what he did, or does, the whole situation was still confusing for Evan, but that didn’t mean Evan didn’t remember. All he could think about was Jared’s broken yelling in their last actual conversation with each other. 

Evan wandered into the computer lab. He probably didn’t need a letter for his appointment, it wasn’t really a requirement as much as a suggestion, though Dr. Sherman did sound disappointed every time Evan came empty handed. He could make up an excuse, it’s what he did last time. But then again, he still wasn’t sure what was happening. For all he knew this was some sort of fucked up dream. 

Evan’s phone rang. He didn’t have to look at the caller id to know who it was. He answered the phone as he logged onto one of the computers. “Hi mom.”

“Hey sweetheart.” She sounded tired. She always sounded tired. It had been worse the last couple of weeks after the truth had come out. “I know I was supposed to pick you up for your appointment,” 

“It’s fine, mom.” What would he write? His hope wasn’t pinned on Zoe anymore. 

“I’m sorry, Evan. I’m stuck at work. Erica called in with the flu and I’m the only other nurse’s aid on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shirt. They announced more budget cuts this morning and, well, I’m doing anything I can to show that I’m a team player, you know?” 

“Really mom, it’s fine. I can take the bus or maybe ask Jared for a ride.” Jared might give him a ride if he asked, but the thought of being alone in a car with Jared trying to pretend like everything was normal was not pleasant. 

“Perfect, that’s perfect. Oh and I’m going straight from here to class, so I won’t be home until late, so please eat something. We’ve got those Trader Joe’s dumplings in the freezer and there’s a twenty on the counter if you decide you’re up for ordering out.” 

Evan dragged the icons on the screen around. “That sounds great.” 

“Did you write one of those letters yet?” 

“I’m uh, I’m finishing it now. I’ll print it out before leaving.” 

“I hope it was a good day, sweetheart.” 

“Yeah, it was great. I uh, I have to go mom. Letter to finish and yeah.” 

“Alright, honey. I love you.” 

“Love you too. Bye”

Evan hung up before she could respond. He took a deep breath and started typing.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**  
**What the fuck.**  
**I’m not an expert at this, but aren’t you supposed to be dead? Maybe you are. Is this some sort of weird hell where you’re forced to live through your mistakes? Oh god. I hope not. If that’s true then I’ve already messed it up. Can you mess up in your weird hell dream? Is that even possible? You should probably check on that. Where would you even check? Does the internet have some sort of hidden place where you can look up what happens when you die? Probably.**  
**What if you’re not dead? What if it didn’t work? What if you’re in a coma and your mom is having to decide whether or not to pull the plug? You shouldn’t have done that. She might hate you, but that choice would kill her. You’re an awful son. You should have climbed higher. You should have jumped.**  
**Just. Rewrite this before you get to Dr. Sherman’s. Or don’t. Would Dr. Sherman know what to do? He might just have you admitted into the hospital but anything is better than messing up twice. Good luck I guess.**  
**Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,  
** **me.**

__

Evan sighed and pressed print on the screen. He shouldn’t keep the letter. It was filled with self-loathing and admittance to things he’d rather leave unsaid, but maybe that’s why he wanted to keep it. Just as his own personal “look how badly you screwed up” letter. A reminder. Kind of like his arm. And-

__

“So. What happened to your arm?” 

__

Evan jumped up and turned around. There stood Connor Murphy, holding his letter. Again. Fuck. 

__

He was only slightly panicking. He had thought this wouldn’t happen. Connor didn’t push him, he had no reason to find him after school. Unless that wasn’t why Connor found him the last time.

__

Oh god. Connor took Evan’s letter and ran off last time. Was it going to happen again? Evan was going to be the reason Connor killed himself again. He didn’t mention Zoe, but would that change anything? Connor was always suicidal, Evan had simply pushed him over the edge. There’s nothing telling him it wouldn’t happen again.

__

_No. No. Nonononononononononon._

__

“Fuck. Oh my god. Are you okay? You’re hyperventilating. Shit. Uh, do you need to sit down? You should probably sit down.” Evan was only vaguely aware of Connor pulling him to the ground. “Evan, right? Evan, I need you to listen to me. Okay? Come on. Deep breaths.” Evan tried but at the moment he was only capable of small intakes. “Feel my breathing. Match it.” Connor had taken Evan’s hand and was currently holding it against his chest. When did they get so close to each other? Probably somewhere in between standing and sitting on the ground. 

__

“S-sorry.” Evan managed between gulps of air.

__

“Fuck dude don’t speak if you can’t breathe. Get that under control first.” Evan nodded and focused on his breathing. Connor was still talking to him. He wasn’t paying attention, but it was nice hearing his voice. It made coming out of whatever this was easier. “So then Kleinmann said he could care less what was wrong with you, which normally I’d believe cause Kleinmann’s an ass, but he sounded worried. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound worried about anyone but himself so I figured I’d check on you. We’re in the same environmental science class but you ran out before I could actually say anything to you. Alana found me and said she heard I was looking for you, only God knows how she found that out, but anyways she said you were in here.”

__

“Sorry.” 

__

“You don’t have to apologize for almost dying. Just, don’t do it again.” 

__

“I fell out of a tree.” 

__

“What?” Connor looked confused. 

__

“You asked about,” Evan lifted his casted arm. “I fell out of a tree.” 

__

“You fell out of a tree? That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” 

__

“Yeah, I know.” 

__

“No one’s signed your cast.” 

__

“I know.” 

__

“I’ll sign it.” 

__

“Oh, uh.” Did Evan want Connor to sign his cast? He had before. But then he went and killed himself and Evan started lying to his family and ruining everyone’s life. This was a bad idea. Evan should take his letter and run. Maybe to the bathroom where he could continue panicking in peace.

__

“Do you have a sharpie?” 

__

Well fuck, he couldn’t now. It would look weird. It would have always looked weird but now it would look especially shady, like he didn’t want Connor to sign his cast which Connor would probably take the wrong way and get upset. He’d leave school mad and maybe a bit sad which was never a good combination and then he might...

__

Evan pulled the sharpie from his pocket. Connor took it and grabbed Evan’s arm pulling it close so he could write his name. In big letters. Across the entirety of the cast. 

__

This was starting to seem less like a dream and more like a nightmare.

__

“Now we can both pretend we have friends.” 

__

Evan should go home. He didn’t need to go to Dr. Sherman’s. He could go crawl in his bed and take a nap. Preferably a permanent one but a two hour nap would do. He could wake up alive with everyone still against him. That would be easier than this.

__

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name, right?” 

__

He couldn’t do this. It was too much. 

__

“Ihavetogoimsorry.” 

__

Evan pushed up off the ground. He ignored the pain he felt in his broken arm from using it and bolted out of the computer lab. 

__

 

__

_You should have climbed higher, Evan._

__


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you ever felt like you were reliving something?”
> 
> “Like deja vu?” 
> 
> “Sort of. But worse.”

Evan realized it probably wasn’t a good idea to run from the computer lab without that letter. Connor was going to read it and think Evan was messing with him or that Evan was fucked up enough to warrant a hospital visit. Then Connor will call Heidi and Heidi will make a big deal about it. Then Evan will have to explain the letter and the fact that he’s somehow reliving his first day of senior year. And then they’ll ask why and Evan will have to explain that he fucked up badly enough the first time around that it warranted a redo. They’ll want to know what happened and then the Murphy’s will hate him and his mom will hate him and Jared will hate him and he’ll be right back where he started except without the Connor Project.

Everything would have been easier if he just remember to take that stupid letter with him. He shouldn’t have even wrote it. It was to vent but then he wrote it and even printed it.

Evan sighed and picked up a rock to throw across the road. He was sitting on the curb waiting for Jared to possibly text him back. He didn’t want to take the bus to Dr. Sherman’s office and was hoping his sort of friend would be willing to, especially since Evan hadn’t ruined their friendship yet, but so far his phone remained silent. 

He was about to get up and start the walk to the bus stop when a car pulls up in front of him. It isn’t Jared’s car. It isn’t his moms. They have no reason to be stopping. Evan frowned and studied it. It looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite place where he had seen it before. 

“Hey.” 

Oh. That’s where. 

Connor was leaning out of passenger side window. He looked like he crawled over the center console to get there. 

“Hi.” 

“You ran out of the lab.” 

“Right, I uh, I had to go?” 

“And sit on the curb?” 

“Sort of?” Connor stared at Evan waiting for an explanation. “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment? And, well, my mom was supposed to pick me up but she’s busy. So I texted Jared and I’m waiting on him, I think. He hasn’t actually responded. I was about to walk to the bus stop and take that.” 

“Don’t you hate people?” 

“It’s less hating the people and more the crowds. And interaction. Interaction is horrible.” 

“Where’s your appointment?” 

Evan realized where this was going. “Oh, no, you don’t have to. I really don’t mind taking the bus. It’s not that bad.” 

Connor rolled his eyes and got back into the driver’s seat properly. Evan thought he was going to leave when the passenger door flung open. 

“Get in.” 

“Really, it’s fine. I can take the bus. Or walk there. Both of them work. I don’t mind either one.” 

“Hansen, just get in the damn car.” 

Evan jumped up and scrambled to get in the car. He wasn’t about to ignore Connor, especially when he sounded so serious. And short. Kind of like he was angry. Maybe getting in the car with him wasn’t the smartest idea. He debated texting Jared to start planning his funeral. 

“Where am I driving?” 

“Um, in town. Sorry. That was stupid. Of course it’s in town. It’s the uh, the building that has a bunch of offices? The one next to Walmart.” 

“Right.” 

The car fell silent. It was a fifteen minute drive from the school. Evan should be fine. Compared to the bus this wasn’t that bad. Connor wasn’t saying anything and he could live with silence. Unless Connor was angry at him for taking so long to get into the car. That wasn’t the kind of silence he liked. 

Evan started picking at his cast. It was there, convenient to pull at, and wasn’t his shirt so there was no chance of him ruining it. Unless he accidentally did. He didn’t think he could ruin it, but he wasn’t sure. Was it possible to mess up a cast by picking at it? He should look that up when he got home. 

“I can hear your worrying over here, stop.” 

“Oh. Sorry. I uh, sorry.” 

Connor sighed, probably at Evan. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t even think about apologizing again.” 

Evan nodded and turned to look out the window. Connor was taking the backway. The more scenic route. Also the route that dealt with less traffic. That’s probably why he was going this way. Evan was fine with staring out the window in silence.

The car ride was over quicker than Evan would have liked. Connor pulled into the parking lot and stopped. Evan looked up at the building. He didn’t want to go in. He didn’t have his letter, Connor still did. He hadn’t mentioned it yet so maybe he hadn’t read it. Evan didn’t want to ask for it back because then Connor might read it and yell at him. Evan really didn’t want to get yelled at, especially right before therapy. 

“What time do you get out?” 

“In about an hour, sometimes it goes over. Never under.” Evan answered automatically. 

“Cool. I’ll be back in an hour.” 

“You really don’t have to. You’ve already done more than enough driving me here. I don’t want to annoy you anymore than I already have.” 

“Relax, Hansen. I have some things I need to talk to you about. One hour. Right here. Now go, don’t be last to your appointment or whatever.” 

Evan nodded and jumped out of the car. He barely remembered the shut the car door before he was running into the building. That could have gone better, but it could have also gone worst. Evan would take it.

Inside the building things weren’t much better. The receptionist smiled at him. It was the kind of sad smile reserved for people like Evan. People who were broken. She motioned for him to go on back. Evan’s grip on his bag tightened as he walked towards Dr. Sherman’s office. He hesitantly knocked on the door.

“Come in.” Evan pushed open the door. “Ah, Evan. Take a seat.” Evan dropped his bag to the floor and collapsed on the couch. “So, Evan. How was your day?”

“It was…” Alright? Weird? A slight repeat of a day he had weeks ago? “Different.”

Dr. Sherman wrote something down. Evan hated when he did that. Was he writing about how weird Evan looked? How he struggled to get through sentences without awkward pauses? Probably.

“How so?”

“Do I have to talk about it? Can we just, focus on something else first?” 

Dr. Sherman frowned, but nodded. “How about the letters? Have you been writing them?”

“Sort of? I uh, I wrote one today. But someone stole it? Well, they didn’t actually steal it. I printed it out at school and they found it. They started to read it and I just, well I ran away.”

“How did it make you feel when they took the letter?”

Upset. Scared. Frightened because the last time it happened Connor killed himself that night. Unless the entire Connor Project situation was a dream, in which case Evan hated his subconscious. Why would he dream something like that up? He hated being at the center of attention. Was the Connor Project and his subsequent maybe-suicide just his brains way of telling him he’s going to fuck up? It was possible. 

“-van. Evan, I need you to breathe.” 

Was he not breathing? Everything was a bit fuzzy. Huh. He should probably start breathing. In and out. In, hold for three, out. Repeat. He could do that. That wasn’t a problem. 

“S-sorry.”

Dr. Sherman seemed relieved that he was breathing somewhat normally again. That helped ease Evan’s nerves. Except that Dr. Sherman was going to ask about this. What was Evan supposed to say? I’m reliving the day where everything goes to hell? 

“Are you alright?” Dr. Sherman handed him a glass of water. He always seemed to have them ready. Evan nodded and took a few small sips. “Would you care to share what happened?”

Evan closed his eyes for a moment and tried to calm his nerves. He trusted Dr. Sherman. He could talk about this without being too specific. 

“Have you ever felt like you were reliving something?”

“Like deja vu?” 

“Sort of. But worse.” 

Dr. Sherman wrote something down again. Evan tried not to pay attention to it. 

“Are you experiencing this, Evan?” 

“It feels like I’ve already lived this day. Everything is almost the exact same as it was. Just, slightly different. Like, I can change things, so I’m not taking a backseat to anything, but I’m just worried it’s going to end up how it did last time.” 

“How did it end up the last time?” Evan looked down and scratched at his arm just above the cast. “You can tell me, Evan. I won’t tell your mother anything you say.” 

“Someone died.” He quickly realized how bad that sounded and tried to backtrack. “I mean, someone did die. But it wasn’t me. I’m not suicidal. IjustwasntthinkingwhenItalkedIpromiseitwasntme.” 

“Evan. You’re doing it again. Take a deep breath and try again when you’re ready.” 

Evan nodded took a deep breath. He took several. “Someone died. A friend? Well, we weren’t really friends. He said we could be friends. He uh, took my letter. Different letter than today. And then he killed himself.” 

“Do you know why?” 

“In that letter I wrote about his sister? I did. It wasn’t in a weird way, I swear. She was just, she was really nice to me that morning and just really nice in general. He thought I was trying to get a rise out of him and just snapped I guess.” 

Dr Sherman looked concerned. Did Evan say something wrong? Oh god, he was telling him too much. Dr. Sherman was going to have him admitted. 

“Do you know why he would come to that conclusion?” 

“Oh. Um, not really? Connor, he’s um, he’s always gotten mad easily, at least from what I’ve seen from school. As far as I know he’s not diagnosed with anything, but he needs help. I want to help him.” 

“You mentioned your letter being stolen? Was it the same person who stole today’s letter?” 

“He didn’t technically steal it. I ran off. If I stayed he probably would have given it back. It was different than it was originally.” 

The timer on Dr. Sherman’s desk started going off signalling the end of the session. It hadn’t felt like an hour had passed. How long had Evan spent lost in his thoughts? 

“I’m afraid we’re out of time. Evan, I want you to try something. Along with your letters write about this day you believe you’re reliving. It’s likely it was a lucid dream that got out of control. And don’t let your desire to help your friend cloud your judgement. I know you like to help people, but remember to take care of yourself.” 

“Right. Yes. I’ll do that.” Evan stood up and grabbed his bag. “I uh, thank you? I’ll see you next time, Dr. Sherman.” He didn’t wait for a response. He was out of the office in seconds. He walked past the receptionist and quietly told her to have a nice afternoon. He doubted she heard it. He walked out the doors to the building.

Evan stood in the parking lot. Connor said an hour, it had been an hour and he was nowhere to be seen. Evan sighed. He should have known better. He was hoping Connor had been serious about it, but it was stupid to get his hopes up. Evan probably scared him off with his letter. He shuddered thinking about what could happen. Evan already knew what Connor was capable of. He was hoping maybe it would be different. Maybe Connor would see the good in the world. 

It was his mistake thinking everything might fix itself. 

_What’s the problem, Evan? Finally had a chance to make things right and you ruined it again? When are you finally going to understand? You don’t get a happy ending._

He tried to not make it a habit to agree with the voices in his head. But sometimes they were right. Evan didn’t deserve a happy ending. Not after all he’s done. He should just go home. Take those stupid pills and do it right this time. 

“I’m not even five minutes late, why are you crying?” 

Was he crying? Evan brought a hand up to wipe under his eyes and yup. He was crying. In the middle of the parking lot. In public. There were people shopping next door and he was crying. And Connor Murphy was staring at him. 

_Real smooth. Now Connor’s going to think you’re a freak too!_

“Jesus Christ. I don’t know how to deal with this. You like ice cream? Everyone likes ice cream. Alright, into the car you go.” Evan was vaguely aware of Connor leading him towards the car. He stepped in and buckled his seat belt automatically. Connor got in the opposite side and did the same. “There we go. Now, any requests?”

“Anywhere but, À La Mode.”

“That is rather specific, but okay. Anywhere but À La Mode coming right up.”

Evan wasn’t sure where Connor was going to go. He didn’t know of any other ice cream shops in their small town, at least one within walking distance of his home. Connor had a car. He probably drove everywhere. It made sense that he would know where different shops are. Actually, now that he was thinking about it, Connor didn’t hesitate with Evan’s weird request. That meant he had to know where one was, right? Or he was at least pretending to know. 

Evan shifted so he could look out the window again. He wasn’t a big fan of cars, too many possibilities of what could happen, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate the beauty of watching everything fly past them at sixty miles per hour. It was in moments like these that Evan was able to really look at the town where he grew up and not see it through anxious eyes. In this car it was just Evan and Connor. Considering what has happened, what he knew could happen, Evan should be freaking out. But he wasn’t. Connor had his letter, but he hadn’t gone running. This time it was Evan. Granted, he had every reason to run. Why did Connor want to talk to him? Was he going to ask Evan about the letter? There was no doubt about it. Evan had wrote about his own suicide in the letter. Connor read it, probably thought he was some sort of freak _(You are.)_ and was just going to taunt Evan before going home and letting everything repeat itself.

No. Evan wasn’t going to let that happen. It still wasn’t sure what was happening to him. He wasn’t sure if this was a dream or not but it didn’t matter. Maybe he could save whatever version of Connor this is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not a huge fan of this chapter and ill probably rewrite it at some point 
> 
> thanks for all the comments!!!! i really wanna respond but i get scared to? ill try to get better at it, i really appreciate the feedback! 
> 
> also I have no idea what therapy is like, im sort of basing it off of the one time I went to the counsellors office but I don't actually know pls forgive


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll tell you on one condition.” Connor looked at him expectantly. “You let me clean and bandage your arm, properly.” 
> 
> “You drive a hard bargain, Hansen. But fine.” Connor shakily pushed himself up. “I have my own condition, though. Your house. Not mine. If my mom and Larry knew about this then I can kiss my freedom goodbye. I just got my door back, I’m really prefer not to lose it already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not sure how to do the whole trigger warnings thing, there's mention of self harm and like, the aftermath sort of, but not the action

Connor’s choice of “anything but À La Mode” turned out to be a small place called Maple View that Evan didn’t know existed. Not that it was hard for him to not know something existed. He spent most of his time at home alone. He didn’t like to venture out and explore the world unless that world had something to do with trees. Hiking he could do. Socializing with the people he’s known his whole life? That was another story. 

“What do you want? I’m buying.” 

“Oh, I can buy my own. I have money.” It was true. Evan had a couple weeks worth of twenties saved from the nights he couldn’t actually bring himself to order anything. He didn’t always take them, but sometimes he didn’t want his mom to worry. “Really, it’s fine. Idontwanttoinconvinenceyou.” 

Connor pushed him towards a table in the back. “Order. Now.” 

“I, uh, just a scoop of vanilla? In a cup, please.” 

“Now sit. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” 

Evan sat on the side of the table facing the open building. Seeing everyone made it easier to convince himself that they weren’t staring. Of course if someone happened to look his way all of that went away and panic took over. 

Connor came back and sat across from Evan. He slid a cup of vanilla ice cream and a spoon over across the table. Evan gave him a grateful smile and took it. He just stared at it. He wasn’t hungry, but he wasn’t not hungry. He was somewhere in between where he wanted to enjoy the ice cream but the worry of why Connor brought him here was preventing him.

Connor seemed to pick up on this. “So. How was your appointment?”

“It was uh, alright, I guess. Not that Dr. Sherman isn’t a good therapist, he’s great, it’s just hard to talk to him sometimes. It’s hard to talk to everyone. I’ll um, I’ll stop talking now.”

An awkward silence fell over the two of them. Evan wasn’t exactly sure how to start a conversation and it seemed Connor didn’t know either. He guessed neither of them had much experience with friends. Evan had Jared, but he fucked that up. He hadn’t done it quite yet in this… Alternate time, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to happen. 

This whole dream-not dream thing was really starting to confuse him. 

“Alright. This is awkward. I’m just going to do it now.” Evan was going to ask what he meant when Connor pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. Evan’s heart dropped. “What the fuck is this?” Connor slid the letter over and Evan was once again faced with his words from that morning. 

“It’s an uh, creative writing assignment?” Connor didn’t look convinced. “I’m a pathological liar and I felt like the only way to make friends was to write a creepy letter?” Evan was running out of excuses. He didn’t even have very many to begin with. 

“Look, Hansen, I’ve got all the time in the world. I’m perfectly content to sit here until you’re able to explain it.” 

Judging by how Connor was relaxing back in the booth he wasn’t lying. Evan mumbled his response. He knew Connor wouldn’t be able to hear it, but that was kind of the point. Why did Connor even care? They never interacted. From what Evan gathered, he wasn’t exactly a nice person. This Connor sounded more like the one Evan created than the real Connor. Then again he didn’t exactly know the real Connor. 

“Gonna have to speak up there.” 

“I said it’s a letter to myself. About today.” 

“Really? Because last I checked you didn’t jump out of a tree today.” Connor stopped. It looked like he was starting to put things together. Evan shrunk down in his seat as the revelation hit. He didn’t want to do this. “How did you break your arm?” Evan was quiet. “Evan, how did you break your arm?”

There was no point in trying to lie. Evan was tired of it. “I fell out of a tree.” Connor stared at him. Evan gulped before continuing. “I was climbing a tree at Ellison State Park, I worked there over the summer, then I just, I slipped. I caught myself but then started thinking, would anyone notice if I disappeared?” Connor looked distressed. Evan didn’t like that look on him. “So I just, let go. I’m still here, obviously, but I’ve got a cast and a broken outlook on life.” 

“Well fuck.” Connor leaned back. He was staring at Evan and it was making Evan uncomfortable. Connor either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Evan Hansen, the anxious kid, tried to kill himself.”

Evan looked to see if anyone had heard or was paying attention to their conversation. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk so loudly.” 

“Relax. We’re a good twenty minutes out of town. I doubt anyone from school is going to show up.” 

“Please, just, talk quieter?” 

“Fine. On the condition.” Evan waited for Connor to continue. Connor tapped the letter. “You explain the whole letter. What do you mean by ‘weird hell dream’?”

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” 

“What, you think I won’t believe crazy? Try me.” 

“I’m going crazy.” Connor seemed unimpressed and motioned for Evan to continue. “It’s the first day of senior year, right? Well I already lived this day. Weeks ago. It ended,” How could he described that disaster? You died? I fucked everyone over? He settled for simplicity, Connor could ask questions later. “Badly. Things happened and I found myself isolated from everyone. I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve got lots of medications, ones that didn’t work in the past and ones that I’m using now. I took them. All. And then I woke up. First day of senior year. Again.”

Connor was quiet. Evan knew this was going to happen. He was going to think he was crazy. He was going to tell everyone about Evan, the freak who thinks he’s reliving his life. Heidi was going to find out and she was going to have Evan admitted into a hospital and everyone would remember Evan as the kid who broke down senior year and disappeared. 

“Wow. I should have known.”

“H-huh? Should have known what?”

“This whole thing was a joke, wasn’t it? You wrote that letter to make fun of me. Who told you about them? I bet it was Zoe. She doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut.” Connor pushed away from the table. His whole demeanor had changed. He grabbed the letter and crumpled it up in his hand. “You know what, fuck you, Hansen.”

Connor turned and stormed from the building. Evan watched him in shock. He was aware of everyone staring at him but in that moment he didn’t care. Connor was acting like he did that day. Connor was pissed. He thought Evan was trying to make fun of him. _He’s going to do it._

Evan jumped up. He took a moment to clear their table before running out after Connor hoping he wasn’t too late, that Connor hadn’t left him alone in the middle of nowhere. Someone in his head, they sounded suspiciously like Jared, was telling him it was a possibility. 

_Well would you look at that. Connor hasn’t even offed himself and you’re already breaking things._

Evan kindly told the voice in his head to fuck off. He had better things to worry about, like Connor’s car still being in the parking lot but Connor himself nowhere to be found. Evan could stand by it and wait until Connor came back but he didn’t know if Connor had any means of hurting himself in the meantime. How had he done it? Evan knew Zoe had told him at some point but he couldn’t remember. There were uncovered rafters in Connor’s room. Was there rope in Connor’s car that afternoon? Evan didn’t think so. Fuck. 

_Arms._

He was always wearing a jacket to cover his arms. Evan knew what he was hiding under them. Just because it was a noose last time didn’t mean it couldn’t be his wrists this time. Things could change, Evan had already proven that. Connor, as much as Evan hated to think about it, seemed like the type of person who’d carry a weapon on him. Not for self defense but self destruction. 

“Connor!” There wasn’t a response. Evan didn’t think there would be but he was hopeful. “Fuck. Okay. Depressed and suicidal teenager with some sort of undiagnosed illness, where would I go?” Evan’s eyes scanned the parking lot. There weren’t many places Connor could have taken off to. This shop he brought them to was quite literally in the middle of nowhere. They were surrounded by fields. “Maybe? Please.” Evan took off towards one of the fields. It seemed to be the only one not currently being used. The grass was grown up well past ankle height.

Evan was trying his hardest not to panic. Breathing was difficult but that could have easily been from how desperate he was running. Connor sounded so damaged when he left. He seemed so sure that Evan was lying to him, trying to get a rise out of him, he even thought Zoe was involved. 

_What did he even mean by Zoe telling him? Something had changed with Connor, something had to have changed._

It took a few minutes but Evan managed to find a trail. Grass pressed down where someone, he was hoping Connor, had run through. Evan followed the trail quietly. If he did come across Connor doing something he didn’t want to startle him. That would have the opposite effect of what he wanted. It might send Connor into a panic and Evan knew from experience that acting out when panicking never lead to anything good. 

_What kind of effect do you want? You barely know him. The only Connor you know is the one you created._

Evan shook his head. He didn’t have time for that damn voice right now. He had to find Connor. That was his priority. He could give in to all of the self loathing after he knew Connor was safe. 

“Connor?” Evan’s voice was quiet, more hesitant than it had been in the parking lot. He didn’t even know if this trail was Connor’s. It might have been someone else's. What if it was? What if he was following the trail of a murderer? What if said murderer had already killed Connor? Oh god. Evan shouldn’t have told him. He shouldn’t have let Connor run. This was all his fault. Ohno. _Ohnoohnoohno._

He heard someone hiss. It sounded like they were in pain. Ahead of him, at the edge of the field, was a small patch of trees leading into a larger forest. There was the pained noise again. Someone was definitely in there. And hurt. What was Evan going to do? Could he handle the sight of Connor being hurt? Hurting himself? They weren’t really friends. In another timeline Evan lied to Connor’s whole family about the subject. He didn’t know if Connor was even supposed to make it this far. Was changing Connor’s story going to fuck up everything else?

Evan didn’t care. Connor deserved more than his life being cut short by a decision made in the heat of the moment. 

“Connor?” Evan asked, more determined. “Connor is that you?” Evan walked into patch of woods. It was going against all the self-preservation he should have but in that moment he didn’t care. 

A few yards in he found Connor sitting on the ground, his back pressed against a tall oak tree. Connor didn’t seem to notice him. He was muttering under his breath and oh god, was that blood? That was definitely blood on his hands. 

“Oh god, Connor…”

“I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m sorry, fuck, I didn’t mean to.” Evan took another step towards Connor breaking him from whatever spell he had put himself under. Connor jerked to attention, unfocused eyes finding Evan. “Jesus fuck.” Connor sounded defensive and frustrated. “Get the hell away from me, Hansen.” 

Evan wasn’t brave. He ran at the first sign of danger. He couldn’t talk to people on the phone. He couldn’t even open the door when he knew it was Jared on the other side. 

But he couldn’t listen to Connor. He couldn’t walk away from this because Connor looked so broken. He was clutching something in his hand, likely whatever it was he used to hurt himself, and Evan couldn’t leave him. Not when he looked like he was about to cry. 

“What can I do?” Connor choked back a bitter laugh. “I’m not leaving. What can I do?” 

“Shut up and let me finish what I started.” 

Connor shifted away from Evan and lifted his sleeve. Evan could see the array of cuts he had made in such a short amount of time and his heart wrenched. Connor raised the blade, a pocket knife, and prepared to bring it down again. Evan fell to the ground and reached out to stop him. He ignored the blood and grabbed hold of Connor’s hand. 

“Don’t.” 

“Fuck off, Evan.” Connor tried to pull away but Evan didn’t let go. “Seriously, leave me the fuck alone.” 

“No. Not, not until you’ve calmed down.” 

With Connor’s sleeve rolled up Evan could see it was bleeding rather steadily. He couldn’t accurately guess just how much Connor had already bled. He had two other shirts just like this one, his mom wouldn’t notice if it was gone. Evan let go of Connor’s hand to pull his shirt off. He struggled getting it over his cast but managed to take it off and wrap it around Connor’s wrist. Connor had stayed silent through it. Evan couldn’t decided if it was better than him talking or not.

“I’m not sure how well that’ll stop the bleeding. They didn’t look too bad, but they should probably be cleaned and properly bandaged.” Evan looked up at Connor. Connor was crying. Actually crying. “Did, did I say something? I’m sorry, I couldn’t leave you like this. I know you probably hate me, but please, don’t do it.”

“I don’t hate you.” Connor broke. “Fucking hell, how could I hate you? I told you to fuck off and you’re still here actually helping me. Are you real? This doesn’t happen to me.” 

Evan sat next to Connor against the tree. His heart hurt for Connor and he wasn’t sure how to help. “I wasn’t lying.” He picked at a weed on the ground. The tree was scraping his back but he didn’t mind “Back in the shop, I wasn’t lying. Every word I said was true.” 

Connor played with Evan’s shirt. “You expect me to believe you somehow traveled back in time? I might be desperate for social interaction, but I’m not an idiot.” 

“Truth be told, I’m not sure what’s happening. I never believed in time travel, I still don’t. All I know is I’ve already lived this day, granted it didn’t go like this.” 

“You said things ended badly, right? Tell me.”

Evan laughed nervously. Could he tell Connor the truth? He wanted to. But first he needed to make sure Connor was going to be okay.

“I’ll tell you on one condition.” Connor looked at him expectantly. “You let me clean and bandage your arm, properly.” 

“I’ll pass.” 

“Then I won’t tell you, simple as that.” Evan turned back to the grass. 

“You drive a hard bargain, Hansen. But fine.” Connor shakily pushed himself up, careful of his injured arm. “I have my own condition, though. Your house. Not mine. If my mom and Larry knew about this then I could kiss my freedom goodbye. I just got my door back, I’d really prefer not to lose it already.”

Evan nodded and stood up. He had almost forgotten about the lack of shirt. He folded his arms in front of his chest and frowned. He didn’t carry spare clothes in his bag, not after Jared found out sophomore year and cracked jokes until Evan started storing them in his locker. 

“Fuck. You don’t have a shirt. Uh, here.” 

Connor let his hoodie fall off his shoulders. He slipped it off, with a little difficulty from his makeshift cast of Evan's shirt, and held it to Evan who took it with a mumbled “thanks”. It was warm. It smelled like apple-cinnamon and pot. Evan found it surprising how much the smell reminded him of Connor. Not the real Connor either, his Connor. He wasn’t sure how to handle that information. 

“Give me your keys. I’ll drive, you hold pressure on that.” 

“Don’t you walk to school everyday?” 

“I can drive, I just choose not to.” 

Connor didn't seem convinced but he hands Evan the keys anyways. Evan grabbed hold of Connor’s uninjured wrist (it made him think about how much worse the situation could have gotten had Evan not run after Connor; it also made him think about how he should have run after him the first time) and lead him back through the field. It was only after they were situated in the car that Evan finally allowed himself to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have my Russian exam in an hour and a half and I haven't memorized my verbs
> 
> also I reminded myself why I don't try to make friends someone on Instagram was like "dm I'm bored" so I made a dad joke and I thought I annoyed them lol rip me
> 
> your comments make me smile ily all
> 
> UPDATE: http://cherlosity.tumblr.com/post/170736761204/commission-for-augment-techs-of-the-fanfic-retro brb crying guys


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They sat in silence. 
> 
> That wasn’t quite true. Connor was making pained noises while Evan worked on disinfecting the cuts. Evan only felt slightly bad for him. He’d probably feel worse if he didn’t know what could have happened. 
> 
> “Are you done yet?”

They sat in silence. 

At least Evan was silent while he worked. Connor was making pained noises while Evan worked on disinfecting the cuts. Evan only felt slightly bad for him. He’d probably feel worse if he didn’t know what could have happened. 

“Are you done yet?” Connor whined. It was, interesting, hearing the notorious Connor Murphy whine about someone taking care of him. 

“Almost.” Evan replied. He let go of Connor’s arm to dig through the first aid kit again. He pulled the antibiotic ointment from the kit. It was something his mom had brought home from the hospital by accident and just threw into their kit. Evan never had a reason to use it until now. He took a generous amount of the gel and rubbed it along Connor’s arm, careful to avoid aggravating the cuts. 

Once he was satisfied Connor’s arm was covered he set the antibiotic down and picked up a roll of gauze. It was another thing his mom had accidentally brought home and just added to their first aid kit. Evan carefully wrapped the gauze around Connor’s arm tightly. He had Connor hold the edge down while he used a pair of scissors to cut it. Connor was surprisingly cooperative throughout the whole process. From what Evan had learned before, Connor was pretty much alone in the world. He had his family but they were just there. They never helped him, certainly not with things like this. 

“There,” Evan said as he taped down the gauze. “All done.” 

Connor lifted his arm to inspect the bandaging. He hummed approvingly and lowered his arm to rest in his lap. “You’re really good at first aid.” 

Evan beamed. “Yeah. My mom spent a week a few summers ago teaching me all the basics in case something happened to me or Jared when she wasn’t around. If need be I could give stitches. I wouldn’t enjoy doing it, but I could.” His first aid skills were one of the only things Evan was extremely proud of about himself. He just hoped he wasn’t accidentally showing off to the point that Connor would leave. It had happened with Jared a few times. 

They fell into an awkward silence. Evan wasn’t sure where to go from here. He promised to explain things to Connor but did he want to do it in the barely lit bathroom (he made a note to ask his mom about getting new light bulbs) or did he want to invite Connor to his room? He knew which option made more sense but it was a matter of whether or not he could ask Connor without freaking out about the fact that he was asking Connor Murphy to come into his bedroom. If Jared ever found out he’d have a field day with this. 

“We can uh, we can go to my room. Better seating than, well here.”

Connor didn’t respond, but he stood up. Evan threw away the used supplies and his shirt. He would have to remember to take the trash out before his mom got home. It’d be easier than trying to have to explain the situation. He knew his mom wouldn’t doubt his bandaging skills but she’d want Connor to take a trip to the hospital because of the possibility of infection. Now that Evan was thinking about it, should he have made Connor go to the hospital? If not the emergency room than an Urgent Care. They would have had a better skillset and the ability to give Connor an antibiotic should he need one. 

Connor tugged on his jacket, which Evan was still wearing, and motioned to the door. Evan took the cue and led Connor down the hall to his room. He paused just outside. In the other timeline (is that what they were calling it now?) Zoe never came into his room and now here he is inviting Connor in after stopping him from what most definitely was a suicide attempt. Or not. What had Connor been saying? He didn’t mean to? 

“You can sit on the bed. I’ll uh, I’ll take the desk chair.” 

Connor just nodded and flopped down on the bed once Evan finally opened the door. Evan stood awkwardly in the door for a moment before moving to sit down on the desk chair. Connor stayed face down, Evan couldn’t tell if he had fallen asleep or not. It would make things easier, give him time to think about how to explain things without setting Connor off. 

“I feel you staring at me.” 

“O-oh. I uh, sorry?” 

“Nice apology. Very sincere.” Connor turned his head so he could look at Evan. “Feel free to start talking anytime you want. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Right, uh, where to start…” 

“Try the beginning.” 

“Okay. Okay, yeah I can start there. So uh, what I told you in the shop wasn’t a lie.” 

“Already mentioned that part, Hansen.” 

“Sorry. So, like I said, I’ve already lived this day. Sort of. Things changed, so that means that hell doesn’t have to repeat itself I hope.” 

Evan’s description seemed to pike Connor’s interest. “Was it really that bad?” 

“Pretty bad. So uh, Jared called your hair the whole school shooter thing. And I wasn’t reliving the whole situation, so I didn’t just walk away like I did earlier.” 

“Jared thought I gave you drugs. He spent five minutes interrogating me before Zoe showed up and told me to leave him alone. She told me, an innocent bystander who was being interrogated, to leave Jared alone.” 

“Sorry about Jared, that was probably my fault. I was kind of, dazed? Yeah, dazed, this morning.”

Connor rolled over so he was on his back staring up at the ceiling. Evan looked up to see what was so interesting. He still had the glow stars his mom had bought him when he was younger up there. 

“You discovered you were reliving the first day of senior year and you were dazed? I would have freaked the fuck out.” 

“Waking up alive and not in a hospital when you know that’s where you should be tends to do that to you. I think I was in amazement that people were talking to me.” 

“Haven’t you always been an outcast? No offense, but shouldn’t anyone talking to you cause amazement and wonder?” 

“Sort of, but not really. I ruined a lot of relationships. Specifically the ones I had with my mom and Jared. Having them talk to me for more than a few words for the first time in weeks was kind of amazing in my eyes.” 

“Fuck dude, sounds rough.” 

Evan shrugged. “I had gotten used to it. Didn’t mean it was easy, but ya know, I was lucky they decided to talk to me at all after what happened.”

“And what exactly happened? I assume it had something to do with that letter?”

“Yeah, sort of..” 

This was it. Evan was going to have to tell Connor about the original letter. He was going to have to tell Connor everything. He shouldn’t have agreed to this. It was a mistake. 

“Jesus fuck, Evan breathe.” 

He was breathing. Did Connor not see that? 

“Okay, come here.” 

Someone, probably Connor as he was the only other one in the room, grabbed Evan’s arm and pulled him from the chair to the bed. They were both sitting at the top, backs against the headboard. Evan was leaning against Connor who in turn had thrown an arm around Evan’s shoulders. 

“This is the third time I’ve seen you go into this panicky state today. What the hell happened?”

“Imsorryitsjustilltellyouwhathappenedansyoullleaveandhistortwillrepeatitselfandidontwantthattohappen.”

“I’m not even going to pretend I understood a word of that.” 

Evan took a deep breath. He could do this. What did he say before? He needs to step into the sun. 

“If I tell you what happened you’ll run away and history will repeat itself. I don’t want that to happen, I can’t let it happen. No one deserves to go through that again.” 

“What is that?”

“Your suicide.” 

There was a beat of silence.

“I’m sorry, my fucking what?”

“Suicide. You killed yourself. It was my fault. Me and my stupid letter. Who even writes letters to themselves? I know it’s an assignment, but they’re weird. They’re stupid. They don’t help because no day is a good day with me. I just, I wrote about my stupid crush on your sister and you got mad. Really mad. And then you left with my letter. You killed yourself, everyone thought my letter was your suicide note and then I lied. I pretended we were friends and for what? I got nothing. Sure, I had a few weeks where I thought things were looking up for me but I ruined everything. Jared hated me. Alana hated me. Your whole family hated me. My mom even hated me. I couldn’t handle it and I swallowed two bottles of pills. And now here I am, reliving the same day. Can I even change the outcome? I want to. I don’t want you to kill yourself. I never did.” 

Evan was aware he was rambling again. It wasn’t a mess of stringed together words but he had no doubt Connor barely understood him. He hoped Connor at least got the gist of it. He didn’t want to have to try and explain that again. 

“Well shit. That sounds fucking awful.” 

Evan bit back a harsh laugh. It was out of character. 

“That’s one way of putting it.” He twisted so he could hide in face in Connor’s shoulder. Connor didn’t seem to mind so Evan continued. “I couldn’t handle it. It was too much. I just thought things would be easier if I went away.” 

“So you tried to kill yourself?” Evan nodded against his shoulder. “And ended up back where you began. That’s rough.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing to me?” 

Evan peaked up at Connor. “Because in another life I used your death for my own personal gain. That’s like, the worst thing I could have done. And I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine, Evan. Like you said, it was another life. I didn’t run off with your letter. Well, I sort of did.” Connor pulled the crumpled letter from his jeans pocket. He handed it to Evan. “I didn’t kill myself. Only sort of half tried to.” 

Evan remembered what Connor had been saying earlier. _I didn’t mean to._ “If I uh, if I hadn’t stopped you, would you have done it?” 

“Hell if I know. Maybe. According to you I did in that other timeline.” Connor paused and shook his head. “God, that is the weirdest thing to think about.” He shifted the two them so his arms were both wrapped around Evan and Evan was pulled against his chest. “I’ve always thought about it, even tried a few times. Someone was always there to stop me. Though it was usually more at a distance. Zoe called 911, my mom screaming for help until a neighbor came over, dad cutting me down before any real damage happened… None of them ever actually stopped me, ya know?” 

Evan nodded from where he was curled up against Connor. He didn’t know what it was like. He never stared death in the face only to be saved. But he understood where Connor’s loneliness came from. He knew Connor’s family wasn’t able to handle his illness, not like Heidi was able to handle his own. 

“I’m sorry about them. I uh, got pretty close with your family in the other life, I know they didn’t handle you very well.”

“Yeah. They couldn’t handle their son with obvious issues.” Connor’s hold on Evan tightened. “Everything I did was for attention in their eyes. I was never going to go anywhere according to Larry. Just a disappointment who couldn’t even kill himself right.” 

“Ow.” Evan muttered as Connor’s nails dug into his side. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been had Evan not still been wearing Connor’s hoodie but it hurt enough. 

“Fuck. Sorry.” Connor’s grip loosened but he was still holding Evan tight. Evan found he didn’t mind the contact. “This is what I’m trying to work on. I always get worked up about the littlest things. It drives them mad. They can’t even begin to imagine how much it bothers me. Just once I’d like to get through the day without finding solace in the worst ways possible.” 

“I’m not going to pretend everything is going to be okay. If I’m being honest, I still don’t quite believe this is happening. We’re both fucked up. But we don’t have to be alone, right? We’ve got each other. You don’t know me and I certainly don’t know you but maybe we could? I mean, if you want. You said we could pretend to have friends but maybe we could actually be friends. You don’t seem nearly as bad as everyone makes you out to be and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Not that I can really stop you, I mean it’s your decision in the end but we can both try?”

Connor was quiet. 

Evan was worried he made things weird. If he made things weird than Connor would leave and never talk to him again. He might kill himself but with no letter there would be no Murphy’s begging to know the real son. Things would be different but Evan found himself swallowing a lump in his throat at the thought.

He didn’t want that kind of difference. He wanted the kind of difference where Connor gets help. The kind of difference where people start seeing Connor for who he is and not the illness that’s controlling him. 

“Do you honestly want to be friends with me? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly friend material. I push people away. I snap at the smallest things. I’d just end up hurting you in the end.”

“I don’t care. Hurt me or not, no one deserves to be alone. No one deserves to be forgotten. No one deserves to fade away.”

Evan was aware he was quoting Connor, or himself being that that Connor was a figment of his imagination. Was it weird to be quoting himself? Probably. 

“Poetic.” Connor said. Evan was grateful he hadn’t asked, it would have been hard to explain. “Alright, I’ll bite. If you want to be friends than we can be friends. Beats sitting home alone getting high or yelled at for getting high.” 

Connor’s hold had significantly loosened but Evan didn’t move. Not yet. Connor was warm. Comforting. He was all the things Evan needed at the moment. The day had been difficult, Connor had seen most of it. He understood Evan needed this. 

“Cool.” 

“Cool? Sounds like something your idiot friend would say.” 

“He’d probably say it in reference to himself.” Connor was quiet. Evan was reminded that he wasn’t actually there. “Jared and I did something, in that other life, and he called himself ‘The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman’.” 

“Damn. You did let him know he isn’t cool, right?” Evan nodded. “Good. Can’t let him think too highly of himself.” 

“We were writing emails.” Evan says before he can stop himself. Connor gives him a look that says “go on” so Evan does. “Your parents thought my letter was a suicide note. They uh, thought we were friends. I panicked and said yes.” 

“I’m starting the get the feeling that nothing good happens in this story.” 

Evan smiled at that before looking down to hide his face. “I told them we had secret email accounts. Jared helped me write them, I had to pay him, but he helped. I don’t think he actually took the money. I think he just hid it in my room, but he had a reputation to keep or something.” 

“No offense, but Jared sounds like an asshole.” 

Evan laughed nervously. “I don’t have an argument for that. I mean, he was better when we were younger. He just, can’t handle things as well as I can?” 

“You can barely handle things.” 

“Yeah, Jared shuts down. He covers his feelings with dry humor. He thinks I don’t know, but I’ve known him pretty much my whole life. That and I saw some a part of him he tries to hide from the world in the other timeline, the real Jared, the one that is capable of feeling.” 

Connor changed the subject, something Evan was grateful for. “So, fake emails?”

“Oh, uh, yup. Fake emails detailing a friendship we didn’t have. That led to the Connor Project,” Connor opened his mouth to say something, Evan held up a finger to stop him. “It’s as awful as it sounds. Well, it wasn’t awful. It was a good cause, it just started in a bad way.” 

“Don’t they all?” 

“Not everything. I uh, I kind of want to start it again?” Evan realized how that must have sounded. “Not as the Connor Project of course! It’s just, a lot of people found the help they needed from it. We made a difference and I want to do that again.” 

“You want to be part of something.” 

It wasn’t a question but Evan nodded anyways. It wasn’t like Connor needed the confirmation, but Evan did. He hadn’t really thought about the Connor Project like this before. At the time it just felt like the next thing he needed to do. But Evan liked it. He liked being apart of something, even if it did all come crashing down in the end. 

“We were raising money to reopen the old orchard. Actually, we raised the funds. I don’t know if Alana ever got around to getting it reopened. By that point I was kind of done. With everything.” 

“My family used to go there.” 

“I know.” Evan could feel Connor’s eyes on him. “Like I said, I was close to your family. In the other life. They told me about you.” 

“Define ‘close’.” 

Evan had known this was coming. He knew Connor would eventually ask to know how well Evan knew his family. He had known it was only a matter of time before he had to tell him about his failed relationship with Zoe. 

“Right. So. IfItellyouwillyoupleasenotkillme.” 

“Going to have to repeat that, Evan. I think I’ve already used up my chances of understanding your ramblings for the day.”

“Please don’t kill me.” He looked up to see Connor looking both worried and curious. Evan took a deep breath. He could do this. It was just the truth. He was telling the truth. “I was kind of dating Zoe? Okay, I was dating her. But it ended. I promise I won’t try and pursue her. After everything that happened I don’t even want to. Not that there’s anything wrong with your sister. We just had a bad ending. And I don’t even like her anymore.” 

Evan was looking everywhere but Connor. He was waiting for him to explode. Maybe hit Evan, storm out. Tear off the bandages and bleed out before he could get to the end of the driveway which Evan knew wouldn’t happen but what if it did? What was he supposed to do? 

“All my hope is pinned on Zoe.” Evan’s eyes widened. “You wrote that, right? I, I remember that. I remember reading it and being pissed off. And then I woke up. I thought it was all a dream. But then you started going off about alternate timelines.” 

“You… You remember?” 

“God, how fucked up can this situation get? First there’s you and your whole Connor Project story and then there’s me who remembers being so angry at something I knew nothing about.” 

“No no no. You had a right to be angry. I was talking about your sister. I know you two don’t have the best relationship but you’re allowed to get upset when people talk about her.” 

“Jesus. How are you even real? Seriously. You’re not blaming me for anything. I yelled at you, you found me. I told you to fuck off, and you patched me up. Are you real? You can’t be real.” 

Evan fell quiet. He thought about what Connor had said earlier in the ice cream shop. Connor had thought Zoe told Evan something. 

“You told your family about your dream, didn’t you? That’s why you were so angry earlier, you thought Zoe had told me to mess with you.” 

Connor smiled sadly at Evan. “You woke up thinking you were supposed to be dead, I woke up knowing I should have been. Everything was out of focus, so I really just assumed it was a dream. I told my mom about it a few weeks ago and she told Larry, of course Zoe overheard and has been asking about it ever since.” 

“Weeks? Oh god, I only just woke up today and you’ve been stuck with this knowledge for weeks. I’m sorry. This is my fault.” 

“Evan, shut up. It’s not your fault. I don’t want to hear you say that again. If anything it’s my irrational anger and inability to think before I make decisions.” 

Evan frowned. He didn’t like Connor talking about himself like this. But then he thought about the trance Connor had been in. He had been muttering about it being a mistake, he hadn’t meant to do it. Connor knew he jumped to conclusions, that he made his decisions without thinking about the consequences, was he talking about that moment or something more? 

“Connor, earlier you said you didn’t mean to.” Connor moved so he could look at Evan. “Were you talking about your arms, or your suicide?” Connor didn’t have to answer, the way he was looking at Evan was enough. “When I fell, or well, jumped out of the tree, I was lying on the ground waiting for someone to find me. I wanted to be found. But nobody came. I had to walk back to the ranger’s station myself and ask for a ride to the hospital. It’s not the same situation, but I understand how you feel. About the whole not believing someone cares thing. It probably doesn’t mean much, but I care.”

It seemed like Connor wasn’t going to respond. Evan would react the same way had Connor put him on the spot like this. He wasn’t expecting the sniffling. He also wasn’t expecting Connor to let go of him, at least with one arm, to wipe at tears. 

_Oh. He’s crying again. You made him cry._

“Ohmygod. I’m sorry. Are you okay? Fuck. What’s wrong? What do you need? Is it the cuts? I can call my mom. She’s a nurse. She might know what to do. Oh my god. Oh my god.” 

“Ev, shut up. I’m fine. I just, I need a minute.” 

“Right. Sorry. Shutting up now.” 

Evan felt awkward. He was just sitting there, still leaning up against Connor (in a totally platonic way because Evan was not going to think about how nice Connor’s arms felt around him. He barely knew the real Connor, it didn’t matter that the one he created was everything he might look for in a relationship) while Connor tried to stop his tears. Evan also felt bad because he was technically the reason Connor was crying. It wasn’t in a mean way, he just told Connor he cares. How long had it been since Connor had heard those words? It must have been a long while if he was having this kind of reaction to them. 

“Well, these feeling things have been nice, but I am neither drunk nor high enough to continue on with this conversation.” 

“Sorry. I’ll refrain from spilling my heart from now on.” 

“I know we haven’t been friends for more than about an hour, but have you always been this sarcastic? I seem to recall you running away whenever someone said something with a hint of sarcasm.” 

“It’s weird actually. After what happened I don’t feel the same? I mean, I still feel like a nervous wreck, but a nervous wreck who doesn’t care as much? Yeah, that sounds about right.” 

“Hm. I like this new Evan Hansen.” 

“Don’t get used to him. I’m not sure how long he’ll be around.” Connor wrapped both arms around Evan again. Evan was liking this touchy Connor. He never realized how touched starved he was until someone was holding him. He suspected Connor was the same way. 

“What time is your mom getting home?” 

“She’s working an extra shift tonight, so midnight? Maybe later. It depends on whose shift she’s picking up and when their shift ends.” 

“Cool. So enough time to take a nap.” 

“Yeah, I suppose enough time to wait what?” 

Connor pulled them so they were lying on the bed rather than sitting up. They both shifted so Evan’s back was once again against Connor’s chest. Connor still had his arms around Evan. 

“Nap. I’m tired. You’re probably tired. Sleep.” 

Evan wanted to argue but Connor did sound tired. Besides, a nap sounded good in Evan’s opinion. He was pretty tired after everything that had happened. Apparently confiding in someone about an alternate timeline would do that. 

“Fine. But we gotta get up before my mom gets home. She’ll freak if she sees the blood in the bathroom.” 

“Mkay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a pretty dialogue heavy chapter
> 
> if you wanna scream about things with me, anything really, you can bug me on twitter @jkupchurch im more comfortable replying to people there for some reason idk


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not sure how to properly do trigger warnings but there's mention of self harm and suicide

Evan was dreaming. He knew that because he felt heavy, like his body was being weighed down by something. It was like being held underwater without the inability to breathe. He read somewhere that some people feel like they can float when they dream. Evan wished for that. 

He also knew he was dreaming by the fact that Connor was standing over him. It wasn’t the real Connor with bandages over his arms and scars of the past in his eyes, it was the Connor that Evan had created. The happy go-lucky Connor who wanted to get better but couldn’t. (Evan was hoping the real Connor might be somewhat like this Connor, not with the inability to get better but with the desire to). 

“Dude, I can’t even begin to express how fucked up this situation is.” Evan groaned and tried to roll away but something was holding him in place. When he opened his eyes he saw it was Connor. “Why are you running away? I thought we’ve been over this, that doesn’t work.” 

“I don’t recall us ever discussing my inability to run away from my problems.” 

“Well, in that case we should. Because you do an awful lot of running.” 

Connor helped Evan move up into a sitting position. “I’d prefer not to have this conversation. Especially not with a dead boy.” 

“Dead?” Connor tilted his head in a way that reminded Evan of a confused dog. “I’m not dead. You saved my life, remember?” 

Evan did. He didn’t think he was ever going to get the sight of Connor bleeding out of his mind. But that was the real Connor, not this one. “You’re dead. He isn’t.” 

“Oh. So that’s how it is? Am I not real enough for you?” Connor no longer looked happy. His eyes were dark and dangerous. Evan was scared. Should that even be possible? 

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant, I mean, it’s just,” Evan’s rambling was cut off by Connor shoving him back. His head collided with the ground, the only thing keeping it from hurting was the knowledge that this was a dream. He held onto that when Connor climbed onto him, hands moving to wrap around his neck. 

“You’re the freak. You’re the reason I killed myself, the reason I tried again. Why would you out of all people get a second chance? You don’t deserve one.” 

Evan couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t real but he couldn’t breathe. His vision was wavering. Was it possible to pass out in his dream? Evan didn’t think so but Connor was proving him wrong. 

“Why did you have to wake up? You’re going to ruin everything again. You should have just died.” 

“S-sorry.” His voice was strong, not like he was being choked. Evan could work with this. “I’m sorry, Connor. You’re right. I killed you. It should have been me. But I won’t let it happen again.” The grip on his neck faltered. It wasn’t much but enough that he was able to sit up and throw his arms around Connor. “I’m sorry. I’ll protect you this time. I promise.” 

****

Evan shot up in bed. He was shivering and sweating and struggling to catch his breath. He was struggling to remember what had caused this. Was he panicking before falling asleep? That often led to nightmares that he struggled to pull himself out of. It was normal for Evan to come home from school and just collapse in bed for a few hours. Sometimes the day was just too much and he needed a break. His mom didn’t mind as long as he did his homework and remembered to eat. Something, or someone beside him made an unhappy noise about the sudden movements. The afternoon came crashing down on him. 

_Connor being alive. Connor driving you to Dr. Sherman’s office. Connor buying you ice cream. Connor running off. Blood. Finding him. Connor’s alive. He’s alive._

Connor’s arms was half around Evan. Evan was half certain that before he woke up he was pressed against Connor. The thought had his face heating up. He looked over at his alarm clock and saw it was only eight. Evan wasn’t sure what time he had fallen asleep. He debated waking Connor up. Connor’s family would probably be worried he wasn’t home, or at least his mom would be. From what Evan had gathered, Cynthia worried the most. About Connor and Zoe’s failed relationship with her brother. But Connor just looked so peaceful while he was asleep. Vulnerable. Evan didn’t want to wake him up, not yet. 

Evan pulled himself from Connor’s embrace and quietly walked across the room. He was still wearing Connor’s jacket. Evan was content to keep it on but needed a shirt to wear under it. He dug through his dresser for a t-shirt. He settled on one Jared had given him a few years ago and pulled it on before pulling the hoodie back over it. He picked his phone up from where he had left it on his desk before he slipped out of the room. He pressed the home button to see six notifications. There was one from his mom asking how his appointment went and the other five were from Jared. They were all along the lines of “you haven’t sent me a worried message assuming you died lol”. Evan wasn’t dead, not yet. He would be if he didn’t clean up the bathroom. 

He sent Jared a quick message, “I’m fine, I’ll tell you later.”, and walked quietly down the hall towards the bathroom. He didn’t know if Connor was a heavy sleeper or not. He didn’t wake up when Evan was shaking but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t if Evan accidentally made too much noise. Then Connor would hate him and leave and Evan didn’t want to think about what could happen. He already established that Connor was willing to end his own life. It had happened before and almost happened today. Evan really didn’t want Connor to die. 

Evan pulled the grocery bag from the trash can. He wanted to try and salvage his shirt but knew it was long gone by this point. He didn’t think his mom would notice if he was missing one. If she did somehow notice he could probably make up some excuse about ruining it climbing trees or something of the nature. It wouldn’t be out of character for him. 

Once he had finished cleaning up the bathroom (getting rid of all the blood had been harder than he originally thought, somehow Connor got it under the counter) Evan sat on the couch unsure of what exactly he should be doing. There was the generic first day of school assignments but he wasn’t in the mood for them, especially since he had already done them once before. He was slightly hungry but ordering food wasn’t an option until Connor woke up and even then it all depended on if Connor wanted to stay and if he would be willing to do the whole money exchange. He could watch Netflix, he didn’t use the account as much as his mom and Jared did. He enjoyed watching documentaries in his free time, but that didn’t seem appealing at the moment. He wanted to try and figure out this whole time travel thing. He surely couldn’t be the first person this has happened to, right? It didn’t make sense that the universe would choose Evan for it’s experiment. 

Actually, scratch that. It did. Evan had fucked up, he already established that. Maybe the universe decided he fucked up so badly that Evan was the perfect guinea pig for their new project. Evan would either succeed in whatever the universe was planning or he would royally fail and hopefully only take himself down in the end. 

He tried not to think about that when he snuck back into his room to find his laptop where it was hidden away in his desk drawer. He didn’t have to hide it. His mom never looked through it because she trusted him and Jared didn’t bother but hiding it made him feel more secure. Dr. Sherman said he should find things that helped him and lock onto them, so he did. Hiding his laptop just so happened to be one of those things. 

Evan quietly backed out of the room and shut his door. Had Connor not been sleeping he would have done this on his bed, maybe hiding under his comforter. Instead he would settle for on the couch. At least this way if his mom came home early he could warn her about Connor being asleep and she might be a little more considerate. Not that she wasn’t considerate. She just tended to check on him and he didn’t want her walking in and seeing Connor asleep in his bed without Evan having a chance to explain that he has a friend over. Is Connor a friend? They both want to try it but is it too soon to call him one? Evan made a note to find out before he started calling Connor a friend. He also made a note to talk to Jared about being friends, actual friends. He didn’t word them quite like that, just in case his mom checked his laptop. 

Searching for _”suicide time travel”_ on Google brought minimal results. There were a few articles about someone who committed suicide in an attempt to travel back in time and another on a suicide paradox. Nothing about actual travel in time. Searching _did i travel back in time_ brought up the same lack of results. There were more recent articles but most about the potential of time travel. Potential. Meaning it could happen in the future. The best he found was a Doctor Who forum of people claiming to have met the Doctor.

Evan gave up on the reading aspect of his research in favor of watching a video on time travel and the effects if could have on the future. It was something Evan had been thinking about since he woke up that morning. Basic pop culture knowledge taught him that interacting with his past self would be a bad idea but there was no past him. It was as though past him didn’t exist. He also needed to avoid stepping on a butterfly. Granted he already avoided doing things like that at all cost. And would the butterfly effect still exist in this case? It didn’t seem like there was a future for Evan to go back to. Could he change anything? Connor and him agreed that this was likely some sort of alternate timeline. Did that mean there was a timeline where Evan’s suicide was a success and his mom was having to deal with the aftermath? 

Evan tried not to think about that. If he didn’t think about it then it wasn’t true. 

“The fuck you watching?” 

He jumped and had to scramble to grab his laptop so it didn’t fall off the couch. He heard Connor’s laugh come from the direction of the kitchen. Evan mumbled about Connor scaring him, something Connor either didn’t hear or didn’t care. Evan was leaning towards the second. 

Cabinets were opening and closing. “Where do you keep your glasses?” Connor stepped into the doorway. He still looked tired. His hair was a mess. But he seemed peaceful, or as peaceful as Connor Murphy was able to be when looking through someone else’s kitchen. 

“Cabinet next to the fridge. Use the ones with flowers on them.” 

“K. Do you want water? I can bring you some.” 

Evan shook his head and Connor disappeared back into the kitchen. The whole encounter was weird. It felt rather domestic. Connor came back with a glass of water and sat next to Evan on the couch. Evan watched as Connor sipped from the glass. 

“So what were you watching?” 

“Oh. A video on the butterfly effect.” 

“The butterfly effect?” 

“It’s the idea that something small can have a greater effect. There’s this one short story where time travel is viewed as a vacation. The main character accidentally steps on a butterfly and the whole future changes.” 

“We read that freshman year, yeah?”

“Mhm. I just wanted a refresher on it because of this situation. I also looked into time travel itself, didn’t find much of anything. As far as I’m aware we’re the first people this has happened to.” 

“Great,” Connor sat back on the couch, water glass between his legs. “That’s wonderful. What the fuck are we supposed to do?” 

Evan didn’t have an answer to that. What were they supposed to do? Not die? Connor was still suicidal. So was Evan. It seemed like dying would be a waste of whatever opportunity they were being given but what did that mean? Were they meant to live life as though nothing had happened? It seemed like a temporary solution but anything was better than nothing. 

“I guess we go forward?” Connor and Evan both frowned. “Sorry, that sounded empty. I mean, we keep going in the direction we’re going. Unless it’s a bad direction. We probably shouldn’t go in a bad direction. Not that there’s anything wrong with bad directions, I just tend to avoid them unless I can’t because sometimes I start talking and keep talking which doesn’t end up well for anyone involved because I end up lying, I lie a lot have I mentioned that? Dr. Sherman says it's a compulsion to try and make people like me which yeah, is probably true. I also ramble. Which I’m doing right now. Sorry, I’ll be quiet.” 

The only response Evan got was a loud fuck. He flinched, ready to apologize, when Connor jumped up. In his hand was the glass of water which appeared to have spilt all over Connor’s lap. Evan’s first thought was it was his fault. It had to be, right? Connor was just sitting there while Evan went on a train wreck of an explanation and then the water was everywhere. Then Evan thought about how Connor probably shouldn’t have put the glass between his legs in the first place. He latched onto that. 

“Do you need a towel?” 

“Oh no. I just spilt water all over myself? Why the fuck would I need a towel?” Evan blinked at Connor’s outburst. It was highly sarcastic. Years worth of Jared’s humor helped Evan identify it and quite honestly the whole situation was rather funny. He couldn’t help it when he started laughing. “I’m sorry, are you laughing at me?” 

“I, no? Yes. Sorry. You have to admit, it’s kind of funny.” 

“Hansen, there is water all over me and your couch. And you’re laughing.” 

“Right. Sorry. I’ll uh, I’ll get you a towel. And something you can change into. Actually, just follow me.”

Evan was proud of himself. He was being rather brave. First he laughed at Connor’s misfortune with the water which could have been a bad thing but Connor seemed more impressed with the fact that Evan knew how to laugh. Then he told Connor to follow him. He didn’t even bother looking back to see if Connor listened and followed. He just walked back to his room and started looking through the drawers for something Connor could wear. Which Evan found in an old pair of sweatpants he hadn’t worn in almost a year but kept around just in case. It seemed like they were finally being useful. 

When Evan turned around Connor was standing in the door frame looking everywhere but at him. Evan handed Connor the sweatpants and a t-shirt with directions to use the bathroom down the hall. Connor just mumbled a thanks and left the room leaving Evan wondering what the hell was happening. 

He was having normal interactions with Connor. Considering all that happened in the past, or that didn’t happened (time travel was confusing him) they probably shouldn’t be this comfortable around each other. Evan wasn’t sure how much Connor remembered, he obviously remembered the letter, but did he remember anything after? Evan had his questions but he didn’t want Connor to pull away. Evan was worried about what Connor could do. It wasn’t like he could keep him in his sight. Connor was his own person and he’d have to go home eventually. Would that eventually be tonight? Connor came back to the room in Evan’s clothes, something Evan certainly didn’t stare at. He most definitely didn’t think about how nice Connor looked in his sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. 

_Going home! Talk about that._

“Do you have to go home? Not that I want you to leave, I just don’t want you to get in trouble. Should I have asked sooner? Oh god, I should have woken you up. Sorry. You can leave, I don’t want to keep you here any longer if you need to go home.” 

“Evan, chill. I probably should go home, but fuck that. My family can live without me for one night, they’ve done it for longer.” Connor must have looked up and noticed the look on Evan’s face because he was quick to walk over and plant his hands on Evan’s shoulders. “Running away, I’ve run away before. Not talking about the whole suicide thing.” 

“Right. Sorry.” 

“You apologize a lot.” 

“Sorry.” 

“Don’t be, it’s cute.” Evan looked at Connor. Connor stared back. Evan awkwardly coughed. Connor let go and took a step back, the moment broken. “So, Hansen, got anything to eat here? I haven’t had much today asides some cereal and ice cream.” 

“My mom left a twenty on the counter for pizza, I don’t usually use it but we could order one? Roma’s delivers until ten.” 

Connor smiled. It was quickly replaced by his usual neutral face but it had been there. “Sounds great. I can call?” 

“Oh thank god. I thought I was going to have to ask you to.” 

“I picked up on the whole social anxiety thing, figured talking on the phone fell into that. I also noticed this afternoon how you didn’t call Kleinman, you just kept texting him about giving you a ride. If you can’t call him than you probably can’t call a stranger.” 

“I’m working on it. I call my mom at work sometimes, but only because I know everyone she works with, if one of them answers the phone then I can usually ask for my mom. If I can’t then they typically know it’s me and call her over.” 

The two of them made their way back to the living room. Evan picked up laptop up from where he had set it down on the floor while Connor wandered into the kitchen to order them pizza. Evan was trusting Connor with this as they hadn’t talked about what either of them wanted. He was just hoping Connor wouldn’t order the weirdest pizza on the menu, that was something Jared did whenever he came over and Evan left him in charge of ordering their food. 

Evan thought about Jared. He had been thinking about him a lot, especially before his attempt. Was attempt even the right word? He succeeded in a way, but then he just woke up before everything happened. Evan’s friendship with Jared was ruined in the other timeline. After their last conversation Jared was broken. They had seen each other after that, awkward family meals neither could pull out of and in passing in the halls. Jared just glared at him. Evan was upset about the loss of friendship but it seemed like Jared was too. Evan really hoped he would be able to fix things this time. Something had happened that made Jared pull away and start referring to Evan as a “family friend”. Maybe Evan could figure out what and mend that bridge before it had a chance to collapse. 

Connor flopped onto the floor. Evan winced, it looked like it had hurt. If it did Connor didn’t show it. He rolled over onto his back. “Pizza should be here in fifteen minutes.” 

“What uh, what kind did you order?” 

“I decided we’re being basic. Plain cheese. It also seemed like the safest bet, I realized shortly after calling that we never actually discussed what to order.” 

“Y-yeah. I noticed too. I don’t really have a preference, as long as it’s not covered in sixteen different toppings.” 

“That is an oddly specific number.” 

“Jared calls it an experience. I call it a nightmare.” 

“Is Jared one of those people who puts pineapple on a pizza? Wait, oh god, are you?” 

“I don’t go out of my way to put pineapple on a pizza but if it’s there then I’ll take it.” 

“Evan you’ve betrayed me. You’ve betrayed this friendship. I want a divorce.” 

“What’s wrong with it? It doesn’t taste awful. I don’t love it but I don’t see the point in arguing about it. If someone wants pineapple on their pizza then let them have it.” 

Connor threw his hand over his heart. “Evan, how could you do this to us. Do you not love this family? What about the children. How am I supposed to tell them their father eats pineapple on his pizza?” 

Oh. So that’s how Connor was going to do this. Evan narrowed his eyes. He’s spent the past seventeen years of his life hanging out with Jared. Two could play at this game. 

“I-I don’t know how to tell you this, but the children enjoy it. On a weekly basis. It’s your fault. You’re the one who chooses to work overtime on Friday’s. They wanted to try something new, so I let them. Now they want it, every week.” 

Connor was frozen on the floor with a look of shock covering his face. Evan smiled innocently. Then Connor was laughing. It was the best thing Evan had ever seen. 

“Jesus fuck. Okay, I yield. Not on the pineapple pizza thing, just the trying to make you crack. I forgot you’ve dealt with Kleinman. He’s got a worse sense of humor than me.” 

“He’s not so bad.” 

“He said my hair was, and I quote, ‘school shooter chic’. But yeah, not so bad.” 

Evan frowned because Jared didn’t make it easy to defend him. “Once you get used to it it’s not bad. He was better when we were younger, something happened and he kind of pulled away. His jokes were less funny and held more malice.” 

“Sounds to me like he’s super fucking insecure.” Connor pushed himself up when the doorbell rang. He grabbed the twenty from the coffee table (Evan wasn’t sure when Connor had set it down there) and walked towards the door. “Maybe he’d have friends if he wasn’t such a dick to everyone.” 

Evan stayed quiet while Connor talked to the pizza guy. Connor was surprisingly good at making small talk. Evan filed that information away. 

“He’s worried about people leaving him. Don’t tell him I said that. As far as he’s aware I don’t know that.” Evan took the slice of pizza Connor handed him. 

“How do you know that?” Evan avoided Connor’s eye. “You left him, didn’t you?” 

“I used him. I tried convincing myself I didn’t, but in the end I couldn’t. He helped with the emails, with the lying, and I just left him. He had every right to hate me.” 

“Shit. That sounds pretty bad. I almost feel sorry for him.” 

“I will admit, I could have handled the situation better. Okay, that was an understatement. I didn’t handle the situation at all. It was a trainwreck.” 

“It’s in the past now, or it won’t happen. Can something that happened in another timeline but won’t in a new timeline be considered in the past? Is this real? Evan, are we real?”

“Uh,” Evan leaned down and pinched Connor’s arm. Connor yelped. “Yeah, I’d say we’re pretty real.” 

“Not the reaction I was expecting.” 

“What were you expecting?” 

“You to question my sobriety. Most people do.” 

“Well you can’t be high, you’ve spent the afternoon with me.” 

“The pizza delivery guy could have been my dealer. Maybe I asked him to spike the pizza. Do you feel any different?” 

Evan looked down at his pizza. He then looked back at Connor and took a big bite. “Nope.” Evan said around it. 

“Well damn, Hansen. Who knew you’d be a little rebel.”

“Less of a rebel and more a lack of concern for my own safety. Wow. I said that outloud. I shouldn’t have said that. Whoops? Sorry, please don’t hate me. Actually, you probably should. I’m going to shut up now.” 

Evan set his pizza down on top of the box and placed his hands on his lap. True to his word he stopped talking. It wasn’t making Connor feel better about the situation. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Nope. But I’m pretending. It’s easy to pretend.” 

“Hansen. I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to answer it honestly, okay?” Evan nodded. “Is there something I can do to help? Do you have meds you’re supposed to be taking?”

“Xanax for panic attacks, but I’m not having one. At least, I don’t think so?” 

“Alright. I’m going to get you a glass of water. I’ll be back in a minute.” 

Evan watched Connor disappear into the kitchen. He was confused. This wasn’t a panic attack, was it? It didn’t feel like his usual panic attacks. And it had come on so suddenly. 

“Here.” Connor shoved a glass into Evan’s face. Evan took it and went to take a sip. Were his hands shaking? His hands were definitely shaking. “Fuck. I don’t know what to. Evan, talk to me.” 

“Just, be here. Don’t leave me, please.” 

“Okay.” Evan expected that to be it. The simple okay and then Connor would go back to the floor. Evan would have been fine with that, content to just have the other nearby. But Connor didn’t settle back down. He crawled up onto the couch next to Evan and threw his arm around Evan’s shoulder. It was the same position they had been in earlier on the bed. Evan hid his face hoping Connor hadn’t seen the blush coating his cheeks. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem. Got any movies on your laptop?” 

****

Three hours later Heidi came home to a quiet house. It wasn’t unexpected, Evan often went to bed before she got home. Seeing her son asleep on the couch also wasn’t unexpected, sometimes Evan tried to stay up to see her but couldn’t. However it was seeing her son asleep on the couch nestled up next to another young man, that was unusual. She blinked a few times to make sure her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. There was Evan with his head lying against someone’s shoulder. He looked familiar but Heidi couldn’t place where she had seen him before. She simply smiled at the two boys and covered them with a blanket before going to her own room. While she knew neither boy would be comfortable in the morning she couldn’t bring herself to wake them up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was longer than i planned because i didn't know how to stop
> 
> also this is the last chapter of the year, i wanna rewrite some things before moving forward so yeah


	7. Chapter 7

“Evan. Evan, wake up.” 

Evan knew he should probably listen but he had never been good at following instructions and sleeping was so enticing. 

“Dude, if you don’t get up we’re going to be late for school. Well, you are, I’m not going.” 

That got Evan’s attention. He cracked open one eye and was greeted with the sight of Connor Murphy staring down at him somehow looking like he was well rested but had been run over by a truck. Evan doubted he looked much better. 

“Glad to see you’ve come back to the world of the living. Met your mom, she seems nice.” 

“What time is it?” 

Connor looked over at the clock on the wall. “Seven-forty five. Not too late, but you’re pushing it for walking. Might have to give you a ride.” 

“Fuck.” Evan threw the blanket off of him and started towards his room. Connor followed behind him. “I should have gotten up an hour ago. Oh god. I’m going to be late. Then everyone will stare at me when I walk in and they’ll send me to the office and call my mom. Connor, what am I going to do then? If they call her she’ll have to leave work to come pick me up. Fuck.” 

“Wow. You just cursed, twice. My little virgin ears cannot hear these harsh words. You’re going to corrupt me.” 

Evan shut the door on Connor. He felt a little bad. Connor didn’t seem deterred by the move and kept talking through the door about how Evan was going to be the reason Connor started smoking and drinking. If it wasn’t for his blatantly obvious sarcasm Evan might have been worried. 

He threw on the first thing he saw. Jeans and a t-shirt from a musical Jared had dragged him to when it came through their town. It wasn’t his usual outfit but it would have to do. Evan opened his door and pushed past Connor towards the bathroom to finish getting ready. He brushed his teeth, stared at his reflection in the mirror for approximately five minutes before decided his hair was a lost cause, and walked back towards the living room where Connor was sitting on the couch. He looked out of place and slightly confused. (If Evan thought he looked cute then nobody had to know. Except Jared. Evan was going to try and fix that and what better way than letting Jared know about his potential sexuality crisis?) Evan temporarily ignored that and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a two pop tarts and headed back to the living room.

“So, you mentioned a ride?” 

Connor looked up and smiled. Fuck, he had a nice smile. Evan wasn’t sure how to handle this. He was positive he didn’t feel this way about Connor yesterday morning. Could feelings be developed in less than twenty-four hours? He wasn’t sure, that was another thing he should ask Jared about. Maybe these weren’t real feelings. It could just be Evan clinging to the fact that Connor was here, safe and sound. That sounded more likely. 

“Yup. Your mom said you tended to walk to school and that you were going to be late if you did. She asked me if I could give you a ride.” 

“Why did my mom talk to you? Wait, no, that sounded mean. I’m sorry. I didn’t intend for it to sound like that. Shoot. I don’t know how to salvage this. I’m gone, goodbye.” Evan wasn’t sure how to feel about how relaxed he was around Connor. On one hand it was a good thing because it was going to make talking to him much easier. On the other it freaked him out because of how quickly he got used to Connor’s presence. 

“She interrogated me. I knew your mom was scary, but damn dude, it wouldn’t surprise me if she killed someone for you.” 

“Heh, yeah…” All Evan could think about was how broken she sounded after finding out he was spending so much time with the Murphy’s. She had said Evan was the only good thing that happened to her, something which Evan had ruined. _Okay Evan, let’s not think about this this early in the morning. Change the subject._ “You’ve met my mom before?” _Not really what I was going for, but alright._

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Connor seemed nervous. 

“You don’t have to tell me.” 

“Well, I mean, you’re going to find out eventually, you might as well find out from me. I doubt this is news to you, but I tried killing myself sophomore year. It didn’t exactly work as I’m still here, but your mom was one of my nurses.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“What are you sorry for?” 

“Well,” What was he sorry for? That wasn’t Evan’s fault. He barely knew Connor sophomore year. He barely knew Connor now. Everything about the taller boy came from what he had learned secondhand through the Murphys. “You were in a bad place, and I know how that feels. I’m sorry you weren’t able to get the help you needed.” 

Connor shrugged. “S’fine. I did try therapy for a few months, but nothing came from it.” 

“Therapy can take longer than a few months to start helping. It took a month and a half of weekly appointments before I started saying more than a few words to Dr. Sherman. Even then I still hid away most of my problems.” 

“Evan,” Connor started.

“Shush. My point is, things like therapy take time. You should try it again, it could help.” 

“If I bring it up there’s going to be a war at the dinner table. I’ll hear the same things I did two years ago and nothing will come from it.” 

“Trying is better than nothing.” 

“Well fuck, Evan, I didn’t know staying over would lead to an inspirational speech at eight in the morning.” 

The moment was broken. 

“Oh my god, did you say eight?!? We’re going to be late. Oh no. This isn’t good. I can’t be late! I mean, I’ve technically already lived through this whole semester so I probably don’t need to attend classes. Wait, I’ve already lived through this semester. Connor, I already know the material. What if my test scores are too high? They’re going to think I’m cheating. What do I do? I can’t purposely fail the test, can I? Who am I kidding, of course I can’t.” 

“Evan, dude, I need you to breathe. We can figure this out later, okay? It’s only the second day so there aren’t going to be any tests. I’ll pick you up after school and we can go over everything.” 

“Right. Okay. Yeah, we can do that.” 

“You good? Can I send you to school without you breaking on me?” 

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

“All good, dude. Seriously, just don’t die at school or something. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you. Literally. Would my conscious be sent back in time to try and save you? Or would I have to continue living through life knowing I’m supposed to be dead until I eventually kill myself in some dramatic way. I always imagined I’d go out with a bang, but something that wouldn’t hurt someone else, ya know?” 

“Connor, this is a fucked up thing to be talking about.” Evan picked up his bag from the floor and started making his way towards the front door. Connor followed along silently. “Like, I get that we’re both fucked up people. I mean I have extremely bad social anxiety which means I either don’t say anything or start talking and can’t shut my mouth and I’ve got no idea what’s up with you, no offense, but talking about our suicides is pretty fucked up.” 

“Isn’t that what we were doing last night?” 

“I don’t have a rebuttal for that.” Connor unlocked the car and Evan climbed in. “You knew that, though. That’s why you said it.” 

“You’re starting to catch on.” 

“Yeah. You hate losing, so you keep talking until you win.” 

“Who knew Evan Hansen was so good at deductions. You should be a profiler, catch the bad guys like me.” 

Evan frowned. “I don’t think you’re a bad guy. You just got a little lost along the way. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed.” 

Connor turned the car on and backed down the driveway. He felt slightly bad realizing Heidi probably had to park on the street because his car was in the way. “People like me can’t be fixed, Evan.” 

“I refuse to believe that.” 

“You’re being too optimistic.” 

“To be fair my mom did tell me to have an optimistic outlook. You should try it. It doesn’t solve anything, but it helps.” 

\---

The rest of the car ride was spent arguing about music choices. Mainly Evan’s lack of genre on his playlist. Connor dropped him off in the student lot with the promise of texting him later (turns out later meant thirty seconds after Evan had watched Connor drive out of the lot, something that Evan had quite a bit to say about because he knew Connor didn’t pull over to tell him about the dog.) and a new playlist full of music he wanted Evan to experience at least once in his life. Evan was left staring up at the school he, just two days ago, thought he was never going to see again. 

He was about to walk in when the voice called out to him. 

“Hey! Evan, right?”

Nope. No. He couldn’t do this. Jared, yeah he fucked that up but it wasn’t unrepairable. Alana? She was just as lonely as he was, Evan knew he could make something out of whatever label she wanted to use on their maybe friendship. Connor was dead, there wasn’t much fixing Evan had to do there except maybe try and keep Connor alive (but he still wasn’t sure that was going to happen. Maybe he should have made Connor go to school with him, but then again this was probably what he was trying to avoid). 

Evan turned towards the voice and came face to face with Zoe Murphy. She looked just how Evan remembered her, only less tired. She wasn’t looking behind her back for someone that wasn’t there and she didn’t stare at him like he ruined her life (which he kind of did). 

What happened before didn’t matter anymore because no one else remembered it. So why was Evan so afraid of Zoe? Was he scared of his old crush on her? It was likely. He had taken advantage of a dark time in her life to propel himself forward. Zoe hated him in the old timeline. He wondered if he could stop it here. Probably not, but it was a nice thought. 

“I uh, yes?” 

Zoe came to step up next to him. She smiled and Evan remembered why he had liked her so much. “You don’t sound very certain.” 

“Oh, sorry. Yeah, I’m Evan. Evan Hansen.” He wiped his hand on his pants leg and held it out to her. She shook it and Evan let it drop back down to his side. 

“I noticed my brother gave you a ride to school today.” 

Was there a way for Evan to avoid this conversation? Probably not. He could try and postpone it, the bell was going to be ringing soon. Maybe Zoe would be worried about missing class and walk away. But then she’d just confront him again later. It’d be better to get this over with, yank it off like a band-aid. 

“Um, yup. He did.” 

“Why?” 

Evan was expecting it but he was still taken aback by the bluntness of the question. “Well uh, he gave me a ride home yesterday, and offered one again this morning.” 

Zoe stared at Evan. The questions in her eyes made him nervous. Did she know? Maybe she remembered. Maybe she was going to go off on Evan for trying to ruin her family again. Oh god. Was she going to make sure Connor stayed away from him? Evan didn’t want it, but maybe that was for the best. He broke everything he touched. He might ruin Connor beyond repair before he could help put him back together. 

“Connor didn’t come home last night. My parents were… Well, they were worried. Last time he didn’t come home he-” Zoe cut herself off. Evan knew why. Most of the school didn’t know about his prior attempts. As far as Zoe was aware, Evan didn’t either and he wouldn’t pry. “Point is, my parents stayed up all night trying to track him down. I just want to know he was alright.” 

“Ah, right. Sorry about that. He was with me last night. I should have had him call or text your parents.” 

“I’ve never seen the two of you interact before. Why would he stay with you?” 

Evan smiled sadly. “Connor and I are more alike than you’d think. He was safe last night. We just had pizza and talked. I’ll tell him you were asking.”

That seemed to placate Zoe for the time being. She gave him another smile, this one holding more relief than worry. “Okay, thanks Evan.” Zoe started into the building when Evan stopped her. 

“He just wants someone to listen. To know that if he disappeared someone would notice. Just, keep that in mind.” Evan let her go and walked into the building. 

\---

Jared tracked Evan down during lunch. It wasn’t hard considering Evan spent it hiding in the library, unless it was being used for something, in which case he’d hide in the AP environmental classroom. He was lucky today in the sense that the library wasn’t being used and he could read in relative peace; there were a few freshmen who were being a bit too loud but Evan was able to block them out. 

He wasn’t able to block out Jared dropping down in the seat across from him. Though he looked up from his book to see Jared’s concerned eyes scanning over him. Jared’s expression hardened into one of indifference when he noticed Evan staring. 

“Saw you talking to Zoe Murphy this morning.” 

Of course he did. Evan should have known Jared would see it. He usually spent his morning in his car until he saw Evan walking into school. That also meant Jared probably saw him getting out of Connor’s car. 

“Oh, uh, yup.” 

“And?” 

“And what?” 

“The girl you’ve had a crush on for years talks to you and you don’t react? Who are you and what have you done with Evan Hansen?” Jared pulled the book from Evan’s hands so Evan couldn’t hide behind it’s pages. It was frustrating but he supposed Jared wanted to be on an even playing field. He couldn’t hide, therefore Evan shouldn’t either. 

“I don’t like her anymore.” 

“I’m sorry, what? It sounded like you just said you don’t like Zoe Murphy anymore which doesn’t make sense considering you spent two years obsessing over her.” 

Evan shrugged. “People change I guess.” 

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that I saw you hitching a ride from Connor Murphy today, would it?”

Yup. There it was. 

“Not really.” 

“You’re lying. Oh my god. Do you have a Murphy kink? Like, Zoe I can understand, she’s pretty much perfect, but Connor? Well, actually he’s pretty perfect too except for the whole anger issues and disregard for human feelings. Gotta admit, he’s got nice facial structure.” Evan was certain he was a blushing mess. Jared either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Dude, did you sleep with Connor? Not judging you if you did, but you have to share the details. I’ll break out contract sixteen that we signed freshman year if I have to.” 

“No, please don’t break out the contract, I didn’t sleep with him. He just came over and we talked and had emotional breakdowns until we fell asleep on the couch.” 

“Oh my god. I was kidding. But Evan, that sounds gay. Super gay. Did you fall asleep together? Who was the pillow? I imagine Connor would be, you kind of get clingy in the middle of the night. Not that I have much experience with a sleeping Connor Murphy. Does he snore? What about his hair? Does he do something with his hair when he sleeps?” 

Jared didn’t realize how loud he was talking. Those freshmen had quieted down to try and hear some gossip about the seniors. They probably heard Connor’s name and wanted to know more. Connor had that effect on people. Once upon a time Evan did too. After his speech had gone viral everyone wanted to know who he was. Evan hated the attention and it was only there for a few weeks, he couldn’t imagine how bad it must be for Connor who dealt with it on a daily basis. 

“Jared, you’re talking kind of loud.” Evan’s eyes darted towards the freshmen. They moved a few tables closer. “We’ve got a bit of an audience” 

Something unrecognizable flashed across Jared’s face. For a second Evan thought he saw concern. It was gone as soon as it came though and then Jared was helping Evan pack up his bag. They fled the library together and started to their joint third period. 

“I’m coming by your place after school, we’re going to talk about this.” 

Evan wasn’t expecting that but he could work with it. “Okay.” 

“Do you need a ride or is your new boyfriend going to pick you up?” 

Evan ignored Jared’s comment. “Connor said he’d swing by after school to pick me up. If you want I can cancel?” 

“Nah. I need him at your house. I have to interrogate him after all.” 

“Interrogate?” 

“Yeah, see what kind of plans he has for dear innocent Evan Hansen. Not that I don’t trust you, it’s just I don’t trust you. You don’t have the best track record when it comes to making good choices. Besides, if Connor picks you up then I can run to the store and pick up snacks.” 

“You don’t need to pick up snacks.” 

“Evan, when will you ever learn? There is never not a good time for snacks. I’m bringing snacks to yours and we’re going to eat them while I drill you and Connor about this budding relationship. I need details, I will bring contract sixteen.” 

“Fine. Just, no contract sixteen.” 

\---

Connor met Evan in the parking lot. Evan hadn’t exactly told him about the Jared situation yet but he hadn’t not told him either. Connor knew there was something Evan wanted to mention concerning later that afternoon but that was it. Evan left it vague hoping Connor wouldn’t react too harshly to the news that Jared was coming over. 

Evan actually wasn’t sure how Connor would react. He knew that the two didn’t have the best relationship, with Connor being on the receiving end of many of Jared’s jokes over the years. As shown by the “school shooter” comment, Connor obviously didn’t take them very well. Evan was just hoping Connor wouldn’t blow up at the news. Praying for it actually. 

He dropped his bag down at his feet when he got in the car. Earlier it had been in the backseat but he wanted it within range just incase Connor kicked him out. Evan wasn’t sure what he’d do if Connor kicked him out. He could always try and call Jared for a ride but that’d be a temporary solution. Evan didn’t know what was keeping Connor from falling over the edge, he hoped it wasn’t just him. 

The silence was thick. Evan picked at the hem of his shirt while they waited for a chance to actually leave school grounds. 

“So. You mentioned talking?” Connor finally asked, breaking the silence. They were still in the parking lot but closer to being able to leave. 

“Ah, yes. I did. Talking. I mentioned that. That was me.” 

“Evan.” 

“Yes?” 

“You’re breathing is really uneven. Are you alright?” 

Evan took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He just had to tell Connor that Jared was coming over. He was comfortable around Connor, right? He was being sarcastic earlier. That had to mean something. Why was he so nervous now? 

“I’m fine. JaredscomingoverandIdontknowhowyouregoingtoreactlikeIwanttoimagineitsgoingtobeokaybutIdontthhinkyoulikeJaredImprettysureyouhatehimImsorrythiswasabadidea.” 

They were off campus now. Which was good because it meant Connor couldn’t stop the car in the middle of the road to try and talk to Evan face to face. Evan wasn’t sure he could handle that right now. 

“Okay.” 

Okay? That’s not the response Evan was expecting. (Evan didn’t exactly know what response he was expecting, certainly not “okay”.)

“Just, okay?” 

“Well, we had a bit of a heart to heart about Kleinman last night. I don’t have to like him but that doesn’t mean I can’t give him a chance.”

Connor didn’t look happy about giving Jared a chance but Evan was grateful. He wanted to salvage things with Jared but Connor was going to be his priority. Knowing that Connor was at least going to give Jared quelled the worst of his fears. 

“Awesome. Cool. Uh, thanks?”

“You really don’t have to thank me, I’m not doing anything.” 

“See, but you are. You’re driving me home, and you drove me to school earlier, and you believed me about something that’s kind of insane. And well, you’re alive.” 

“You don’t have very high criteria.” 

“No, I guess I don’t. It’s not a problem, is it? I shouldn’t have like, higher criteria should I? Oh fuck, I probably should. I’ll think of something.” 

“I’m not judging your criteria. If you want to have low standards then by all means, have low standards.” Connor pulled the car into the driveway and shut it off. “If someone has a problem with it, tell them to fuck off.”

Evan picked his bag up and got out. He swung it onto his shoulders as he walked towards the door. “I can’t just tell someone to fuck off.” He unlocked the door and let them both in before shutting it. He didn’t relock it like he usually would since Jared was coming over. Jared had a key but he liked being able to walk in without having to dig it out. “What if they get mad?” 

“Then you tell them to fuck off again.” Connor jumped on the couch and stretched out. Evan sat on the floor in front of it so he could set up his homework on the coffee table. “At that point you’ve told them to fuck off twice. They should actually leave you alone, trust me my dad’s a lawyer.” 

“I’m positive that’s not how it works.” Evan stared at the paper in front of him. He chose a different book as his opening project than he did in the original timeline. He was reaching for anything that could separate him from that Evan Hansen. Doing a report on _Of Mice and Men_ rather than _The Hobbit_ seemed like the way to go. 

“You wouldn’t know. I’ve spent my whole life hearing about how telling someone to fuck off twice is the best way to get a case dropped.” 

“Again, positive that’s not how it works.” Evan knew nothing about the characters or the setting. This was going to take more research than he originally thought. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea. He should have just stuck with The Hobbit. Bilbo Baggins wouldn’t treat him wrong. 

“What’s that?” 

“Homework. You should try it sometime.” 

“Homework? I don’t know her.” Connor plucked the sheet from the table and started reading it. Judging by his facial expressions he didn’t like Evan’s answers. “Dude, what the fuck? You’re getting the characterization completely wrong. Give me your pencil.” Evan silently handed it to Connor who immediately went to work erasing and rewriting his answers. “Lennie doesn’t have much development. You’re thinking of George. George is the one who pushes them forward towards Lennie’s, well Lennie’s conflict.” 

“You seem to know a lot about it.” 

Connor looked embarrassed. He was definitely blushing. Evan couldn’t figure out what he was embarrassed about. It couldn’t be because of the book, could it? Evan didn’t see why Connor would be embarrassed about knowing the American classic. Unless it was an image thing. Book lover probably didn’t fit the whole “badass who doesn’t care” image Connor has going on.

Connor neutral expression came back and all hints of embarrassment was wiped from his face. “What can I say? I like reading.” 

Evan opened his mouth to reply when the door swung open. Jared strolled in and dropped three bags on the floor. 

“Sup bitches, I brought snacks.”

“Hi Jared.”

Connor didn’t acknowledge Jared. He went back to Evan’s worksheet. Evan held out his hands. Jared sighed dramatically and handed one of the bags over. Evan picked through the various snacks until he found the bag of gummy bears. 

“I’m starting to think you only let me come around because I bring you gummy bears.” 

“But you never come around. You just bring my gummy bears and then leave.” 

“Is that not what friendship is?” Jared pushed the remaining two bags towards Evan who started digging through them. Jared lifted Connor’s leg from the couch and sat down before dropping Connor’s legs onto his lap. 

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how friendship works, Jared.” 

“What would you know about friends, Murphy?

Connor stared at Jared with an unimpressed expression. Jared stared back daring him to say something. Evan threw a bag of chips at each of them in hopes of diffusing the situation. It worked and they both turned their focus on Evan. 

“Oh. Uh, hi. Enjoy.” Evan threw more of the snacks to the two of them. A bag of candy smacked Jared in the face and a pack of crackers hit Connor’s chest. Neither boy said anything which worried Evan. They didn’t look upset about the fact he just pelted them with snacks. 

“Ignoring Evan, Connor, I need to have a few words with you.” 

“Oh, joy.” Evan watched as Connor pulled his phone from his pocket. Jared pretended not to notice. 

“What are you plans for my dear Evan Hansen?”

_**FROM: connor** _

_**should I be scared?** _

_**FROM: ev** _

_**Probably.** _

_**FROM: connor** _

_**did you tell him about the thing**_  
**_ya know, the time traveling conscious thing_**

_**FROM: ev** _

_**“Hey Jared, fun story, this is an alternate timeline. I killed myself in the last one after using you, Alana, and Connor’s suicide to try and gain the family I always wanted, didn’t work out and now here I am. Wanna help?”** _

_**FROM: connor** _

_**well when you put it like that yeah it sounds like a bad idea** _

 

“Are you even listening to me? Answer the questions Murphy.” 

Evan let his attention drift away from his phone and towards the two boys sitting on the couch. Connor looked unimpressed and Jared had a look Evan couldn’t quite place but he didn’t like it. 

“Why am I being interrogated by you? And why are you interrogating me like you’re Evan’s dad and I’m about to take him out on our first date?” 

If Evan had been drinking the water Jared bought him he would have choked on it. Good thing he wasn’t because he managed to choke on the air. 

“I, uh, excuse me, what?”

Jared ignored Evan and crossed his arms. “I don’t believe I need to explain myself to you. Now what are your intentions with Evan? What happened yesterday? Did you two sleep together? I know you drove him to school and that he was late. Evan never wears t-shirts unless he’s running late.” 

Connor was staring at Evan. Evan simply shrugged and tried to focus on his math which was pretty hard to do when his two maybe friends were talking above him. At least it sounded like they were getting along, sort of. 

Evan’s mind drifted to the messages he exchanged with Connor. Telling Jared about the situation hadn’t crossed his mind but it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Jared into aliens and the supernatural so it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for him to believe it. But then what? Evan still didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Keeping Connor alive was proving easier than he originally thought but Connor had some vague memory of what happened. Maybe he decided by himself that he didn’t want to die. Could Jared possibly remember something? He was acting different than usual. He was being nice and not hiding behind his asshole personality. Evan liked this Jared. It was the one he knew growing up. 

“You still haven’t told me what your plans are with my son.” 

“Your son?” 

“Yes, my son. Evan is my son. Have you seen him? He’s a smol bean.” 

“Evan has a good three inches of height on you. He’s not small.” 

“No, not small, smol. Connor, do you even meme?” 

“Can’t say that I do.” 

“Tragic. I cannot allow Evan to be involved with someone who doesn’t meme. Evan, you need to break up with Connor.” 

“We’re not dating?” 

“Shush Evan, you don’t need to lie.” Evan knew better than try and argue with Jared when he was going off on one of his tangents. 

“Kleinman, I think you’ve finally lost you damn mind.” 

“Lost it a long time ago but thanks for finally noticing. Now, intentions?” 

“Oh I don’t know, I was thinking of courting until we can run off to Canada to elope.” 

“Connor!” 

Jared didn’t care about Evan’s outburst. He was too busy cackling. “Why Canada?” 

“You ever have Canadian Smarties? They’re great. Super expensive down here for some reason. Like, why the fuck can’t we have them? They’re like m&ms, but better.” 

“We’re taking a weekend trip to Canada, I need to try these Canadian Smarties.” 

“Jared, Connor, no.” 

“Jared, Connor, yes.” 

“Seconded.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fully believe jared and connor could have been friends had jared not been such a condescending jerk, also believe that Evan and jared were the type of friends who'd make contracts about life accomplishments they have to share
> 
> im finally passed all the basic so I can start moving the plot forward more, yay


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor talks about his suicide (not really descriptive but enough that it upset me which isn't hard but yeah) pls read carefully

Jared and Connor both left later that night. Jared left first citing his mom needing him home to help her with some beginning of the year project. Evan couldn’t recall Jared having something like that in the other timeline but he was too focused on himself. Jared very well could have been doing something and Evan wouldn’t have noticed. Connor wasn’t originally going to leave. He wanted to stay a second night, something Jared had voiced his unwanted opinions about on his way out of the door. Evan had to physically push Connor towards the door. Connor had tried to reason that Zoe would tell his parents that he was alive and well but Evan wasn’t having it. Even if they were fine with Connor being over at a friends house (Evan knew Cynthia would be, he figured Larry would be more relieved Connor wasn’t getting high in a park) Connor had already stayed the previous night. Evan didn’t want either of his parents worrying about where he was and if he was going to come home. Connor may have found it hard to believe his parents actually cared about him and were upset when he died in the other timeline (something Evan tried not think about because of how disconnected from his family that meant Connor actually was) but Evan knew they did. He had seen Cynthia breakdown trying to tell him Connor had passed away. He saw Larry’s reaction to the Connor Project growing and everyone remembering Connor. _The Connor you created, not the real one, Evan._

Evan went about getting ready for bed while thinking about how to bring up something like the Connor Project to Alana. After mentioning it to Connor and Jared, who both feigned disinterest about the idea but voiced acceptance. Connor had previously known about the idea after Evan mentioned his desires for bringing the Connor Project back because of all the good it had done. Evan had expected his disinterest but ultimate acceptance, Connor had already agreed to it. Jared’s reaction wasn’t unexpected, but it wasn’t how Evan had envisioned it. After the disinterest passed Jared’s eyes had grown wide as a shocked look crossed Jared’s face. It was gone almost as quickly as it came. Evan almost missed it, he had no doubt that Connor did. It was concern. There had been concern Evan hadn’t seen in many years, concern that hadn’t even been present in the original timeline. 

He didn’t have a chance to ask Jared about it. He didn’t want Jared to shut down so asking while Connor was present was a no-go. Evan resolved to asking him in the morning, unless Jared decided he didn’t want to talk to Evan anymore. How much he was talking to him right now didn’t make sense. Jared always made it clear that Evan was simply a “family friend” and nothing had been done to change it. Evan doubted a single night was going to break down Jared’s barriers so quickly. Evan was also stuck on how Jared had been reacting around Connor. After their initial banter Jared had quieted down and didn’t push Connor’s limits. Had Evan missed a softer side to Jared after all? Or maybe Jared didn’t have a deathwish as much Evan had originally presumed. That was probably it. Jared was all about self preservation. He knew not to provoke to Connor after a certain point. That had to be it. 

“Evan?” His bedroom door pushed open and his mom stepped in. Evan was tempted to make a comment about invasion of privacy but it seemed more like a Jared kind of joke. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to pull the tone off. “Hi sweetheart, I saw your light was still on.” 

“I’m going to sleep soon, don’t worry.” To prove his point Evan got into bed. He didn’t lie down but rather sat cross-legged in the middle. 

Heidi smiled and shook her head. “That’s not what I was coming in here for. I saw junk food in the trash, the kind Jared buys, did he stop by?” 

“Oh, uh yeah. He was over here with Connor, they left about,” Evan glanced at his clock. “An hour ago?” 

Heidi perked up. Probably at the mention of Connor. Evan didn’t know what Connor had talked to her about earlier that morning but it must have been something good if she was this excited about hearing he had come over.

“Did you have fun?” 

“Mhm. It was nice. Lot more fun than sitting at home alone on my computer on a Friday night.” 

“I told you this year was going to be different.” 

Evan didn’t know why he felt guilty. Was it because his mom looked so happy at the prospect of Evan having friends over? Evan knew he was pathetic, but he didn’t think his mom thought it was this bad. Or maybe he was guilty because this was a lie. Heidi should have been mad at him. Evan shouldn’t be here, he should be in a hospital bed or six-foot-under. 

“Yeah,” Evan started uncomfortably. “I’m going to go ahead and go to bed if that’s alright with you?.” 

“Of course. I didn’t mean to keep you up.” Heidi turned off the ceiling light plunging the room in near darkness. It was only illuminated by the lamp on Evan’s bedside table. “I should be off tomorrow at five, do you want me to grab dinner from Vinny’s on the way home?” 

The thought of something other than pizza or a microwaveable meal was tempting and Evan was weak. “Yes please. I’d kill for some chicken alfredo.” 

Heidi laughed and stepped out into the hall. “I’ll pick some up, but let’s refrain from killing anyone. I may be a nurse but that doesn’t mean I’m a miracle worker. I doubt I’d be able get a jury to deem you innocent if you killed someone over chicken alfredo.” 

“There goes my master plan. How am I supposed to get my dinner now?” 

Heidi smiled. “Love you, Evan. Sleep well.” 

The door closed and Evan relaxed. He couldn’t remember the last time he had joked around with his mom. It had to have been years ago. It just felt like she was always walking on eggshells around him, afraid that the wrong thing was going to send him into a panic. Having a normal conversation was nice. 

When Evan had finally turned off his light he had a semi-plan for the next day. He was going to talk to Alana about the Connor Project after school, except it wasn’t the Connor Project. What would they call it? Evan wasn’t sure. He’d have to talk to Jared and Connor tomorrow. Connor was supposed to be picking him up in the morning to take him to school so he could ask him then. Jared would have to wait until lunch or maybe third period. It all depended on whether or not Jared was going to sit with them in the library or not. 

Evan’s phone rang from it’s spot under his pillow. He reached under to grasp at it. 

**_FROM: Connor_ **  
**_i gave kleinman my number and now he wont stop sending me pictures of cats_ **  
**_evan help_ **

\---

Evan woke up before his alarm. 

He rolled over in bed, not interested in getting up. Connor and Jared had spent much of the previous night texting him after Jared decided that creating a group chat would have been a good idea. Most of the texts sent his way weren’t even directed towards him but rather Jared and Connor arguing about various aspects of life. The largest being whether or not Ed, Edd, and Eddy was based on Heathers. Evan wasn’t sure why he bothered joining in on that argument. 

There was a soft knock at his door. Heidi opened it and poked her head in. She smiled seeing that Evan was awake. 

“Hey, sweetie. I’m heading in early today to be sure I get off on time later. I just wanted to see if you were awake or not.” 

Evan waved and forced himself to sit up in bed. “Hi mom. I’m awake and alive.” 

“I see that. I’ll be home around six.” Heidi looked hopeful. “Do you know if Jared or Connor are coming by? I can pick them up something from Vinny’s too.” 

“Connor might, I’m not sure about Jared.” 

Heidi nodded. “I’m glad you two were able to hang out last night. I know you didn’t get to see each other much over the summer with you two off doing different things.” 

Evan shrugged and turned off his alarm. “It’s not big deal. I doubt he noticed me missing.” Evan didn’t miss Heidi’s frown. 

“Still, you two used to be so close, I hope you’re able to find that relationship again.” Heidi looked down at her watch. “Shit, I have to go. I’ll be back later, have a good day in school, sweetheart. Oh, and wear a jacket, it’s supposed to be chilly today.” 

Evan smiled at his mom and waved as she backed out of his room. “Love you. Have fun at work, save lots of lives.” 

“Always.” Heidi said as she shut the door. 

Evan sighed and flopped back down. It was six-thirty meaning he didn’t have to get up until seven. Since Connor was coming to pick him up he probably could have slept in till seven-thirty but now that Evan was awake he doubted he’d be falling back anytime soon. Instead he unlocked his phone to check on the group chat he muted. 

The last message was sent by Connor just under three hours ago. Evan frowned at the late time. He didn’t know Connor that well yet but he figured they were close enough Evan could give him a mini-lecture on his bad sleep habits. Evan was hopeful staying up till three was a one time thing but he doubted it. 

Evan lied in bed until seven-fifteen. Jared had woken up during that time and was currently spamming the group chat with ideas about how Connor and Evan could pull a fake friendship off. According to Jared there was no way Connor could bring Evan over and his parents actually believe they were friends. Evan wanted to say something, something about another life where this same thing essentially happened under less than favorable circumstances, but didn’t. Jared didn’t know about the original timeline and Evan was going to try his hardest to keep it that way. He wasn’t sure how Jared would react to that knowledge or to how Evan had treated him. Evan already lost Jared once, he didn’t want to do it again. 

Evan went through his usual morning routine of getting dressed in his usual clothes and brushing his teeth and hair. Today was a much better day for him hair-wise; unlike yesterday where he spent most of his time with it sticking up in all places, it stayed down. Overall, Evan looked more put together. It would help later on when he went to talk with Alana. She always seemed to prefer people who had their lives together. Evan finished off his outfit with Connor’s hoodie. The taller boy had yet to take it back and it was comfy. 

Connor showed up at seven-forty five. Evan hadn’t gotten anything to eat for breakfast yet but he figured skipping one meal wasn’t going to hurt, he had done worse in the past. Evan did one more sweep over himself. He grabbed his bag and the lunch his mom had set on the table for him and headed outside to meet Connor. Connor was sitting in the driver’s seat tapping the beat of the music on the wheel. Evan smiled and climbed into the car. He set his bag at his feet and buckled the seatbelt.

“You know,” Connor began. “It’s funny how just two days ago you were afraid of getting in my car and now here I am giving you a ride to school.” Connor looked him over. Evan worried. Was there something on his face? Did his hair not look as nice as he thought? Connor smirked. “Nice hoodie.” 

Evan blushed and shifted so his bag wasn’t pressing against his leg. “A lot can change in two days.” 

“That’s the fucking truth.” Connor shifted the car into reverse and started backing down the driveway. “I don’t feel like killing myself anymore.” The car was silent. “Wait, fuck, that sounds bad. Let me rephrase: I don’t think I wanted to die.”

“Oh. Are you um, are you okay? Do you need to talk? That’s a pretty big revelation and I’m here.” 

“It’s weird. I mentioned having these dreams that I figured were just dreams, right?” Evan nodded. “I paid attention to it last night instead of trying to block it out as just being a dream. There were emotions, a lot of them. Anger, hatred, despair.”

“Oh.” 

Connor’s voice quieted down to a whisper. “The biggest one I felt was fear. I was scared, terrified. I was hanging there slowly suffocating. I prayed for the first time since I was eight because I realized I wasn’t ready to die. I don’t want to die, Evan. But what if that’s all there is for me?” 

Evan shuddered at Connor’s admission. They had established Connor remembered the original timeline, but never how much. Evan remembered his own suicide, it was days before, but Connor had been having these dreams for weeks. He had been stuck with these feelings for weeks before Evan had come along. Now Connor was going to start embracing them instead of shielding away. And Evan was going to be by his side no matter what. 

“I won’t let anything happen to you. You’re afraid but I promise I won’t let anything happen to you, not while I’m here. It probably doesn’t mean much coming from me, I mean I’m Evan Hansen, what can I do? But I’m going to protect you, I promise.” 

“I’m damaged, Evan. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” 

“Sometimes it’s the most damaged goods that have the best value.”

The rest of the car ride was silent with Evan’s words hanging in the air. 

\---

Evan found and sat next to Jared during lunch. They were at one of the outside tables Jared liked to sit at. Jared barely looked up at him before focusing on his half-eaten sandwich. They sat quietly with neither boy knowing how to properly start a conversation.

“Where’s Connor?” Jared finally asked. 

“He’s in a meeting with the counsellor, something about online classes so he can graduate on time.” 

“Ah.” 

They fell into another silence. Evan was nervous. He didn’t know why. Was it because he was trying to be a better friend? Was it because he didn’t know how to be Jared’s friend? It hurt when he came to that realization, the Jared he knew was just the mask Jared wore to hide from the outside world. Did the real Jared like video games as much as he claimed? Did he actually spend most drunk or tipsy from forgotten liquor he was able to swipe far too easily? 

Evan didn’t know. But he wanted to. 

“What’s uh, what’s that project thing you mentioned last night? You didn’t say much except for ‘support group’.” 

“Oh. Well, it’s, um.” Evan took a deep breath. He could do this. “A lot of people feel alone sometimes, right?” Jared nodded. “I um, I’ve felt alone before? Like, really alone, and so has Connor. I thought that maybe we could start something to show that people don’t have to be alone, have a fundraising drive and raise money for suicide awareness or something” 

“Ah.” Jared stared down at the table intently and didn’t say anything. Evan was fine. He wasn’t worried or anything. It’s not like he essentially told Jared about a suicide attempt and Jared wasn’t reacting. Everything was fine. This was fine. “I think it’s a good idea.” Jared finally said.

Evan breathed out a sigh of relief. “Me too.” 

“What would you call it?” 

“I don’t know yet. I was going to ask Connor this morning in the car but got a bit, uh, distracted.” Jared grinned and Evan immediately regretted his wording.

“Distracted, you say? My my, Evan, you naughty boy. Just what are you and Mr. Murphy getting up to in your free time?” 

Evan knew his face must have been red. It felt like he was burning. 

“Jared!” Said boy started cackling. “No, nothing like that! We were just, we were talking and I forgot to bring it up.” 

“Ya sure? Your face is awfully red.” To prove his point, Jared reached over and poked Evan’s face. Evan promptly hid in Connor’s jacket which didn’t help the teasing. “And you’re wearing his hoodie! My dear little Evan’s growing up, losing his v card in the back of Connor’s car.” Jared pretended to wipe a tear. “Oh, how time flies.” 

Evan groaned. “I hate you. I want a divorce.” 

“Like I’ve said before, fam-” Jared paused. Evan poked his head out from under Connor’s jacket. Jared looked like he was contemplating his wording. “Friends can’t get divorced.” 

“Friends?” 

Jared shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich. “Figured if Murphy is going to start calling you his friend I might as well do it too.” Evan was smiling. “Don’t make a big deal about it, oh my god.” 

This timeline was already going better than the last. Evan just had to figure how to make it permanent. He knew there was always going to be the possibility of things falling apart but just maybe he could keep everyone upright. 

“How about You Will be Found?” Evan said. Jared promptly started choking on his sandwich. Evan went from happy with this new discovery to worrying about his friend. “Oh my god, Jared, are you okay? Do you need water? Here,” Evan pulled his water from his bag and passed it to Jared. “Drink. But don’t drink too fast. Small sips.”

It looked like Jared was, for once, taking Evan’s advice. He didn’t try and chug the water but instead took small sips.

“Jesus fuck, okay that was horrible.” 

“That’s what most people say when I walk up.” 

Two heads turned to where Connor was currently standing at the end of the table. Behind him was Zoe who watched the three with disbelief. 

“More like I almost died, but whatever floats your boat Conman. Sup, smaller Murphy.” Jared handed his water back to Evan who was staring at Zoe. 

_She doesn’t remember, Evan. You don’t have to be so paranoid._

Zoe looked over the group of three once more before turning and leaving without saying a word. Evan shifted his focus back to Connor and Jared who were in the middle of arguing about Jared choking on his sandwich.

“I’m just saying, if you’re going to start choking maybe you should be having broth.” 

“I don’t care what weird diet your family is on this week, I am not giving you my sandwich in exchange for whatever the hell that is.” 

Evan sighed and pulled his lunch from his bag. He slid the container of dumplings across the table to Connor. “They’re not much, but better than whatever that is.” 

Connor frowned and tried to push them back. “I’m not taking your lunch, Hansen. You need to eat.” 

Evan ignored Jared’s whispered ‘gay’ and pushed them back towards Connor. “Please. I’m so tired of dumplings. You’d be doing me a favor by taking them.” 

Connor didn’t seem convinced but didn’t push back. Evan was grateful. He didn’t think he’d be able to stomach anything, not after the encounter with Zoe. Two skipped meals wasn’t going to be a problem. He was having chicken alfredo later that night with Heidi. 

“Evan?” Connor and Jared were both looking at him concerned. Evan plastered on a smile that he hoped made him seem less pathetic. 

“Yes?” 

“You’re zoning out, man. You good?” Jared was looking concerned again. Evan wasn’t sure how to feel. That was twice in two days that Jared had given him that look. 

“Yeah, sorry, just thinking.” 

Jared has that mischievous look in his eyes and Evan prays he won’t mention Zoe. Evan already let Connor know about the whole Zoe situation but he didn’t want to accidentally ruin anything they’ve built because of Jared’s sense of humor. 

“Whatcha thinking about, Evan? Do you have a secret girlfriend? Oh, boyfriend?” Jared winked at Connor. Evan groaned and resisted the urge to hide in Connor’s hoodie. And Connor flung a dumpling across the table at Jared.

\---

Evan was standing outside Alana’s locker waiting for her to maybe show up. He wasn’t sure if or when she would. Connor had offered to wait with him but Evan shooed him off. This was something Evan needed to do for himself. He had a somewhat normal conversation with Alana before he realized what was happening but, like Zoe, had avoided her since then. Evan needed to ask her himself, to invite her in.

School had been over for thirty minutes before Alana showed up. 

“Oh, hello Evan! How are you today?” 

Evan stepped to the side so Alana could access her locker. “I’m doing, uh, well? I think. Well sounds about right. How about you? I mean, how are you doing?” 

“I’m doing well myself. I just finished up a meeting with Mrs. C. about a potential volunteer opportunities with the city. College application season is upon us and I want as many hours as I can.” Alana unlocked her locker and swung it open.

Evan could work with this. “How do clubs look on applications?” 

“It depends on the club. Most as seen as a good thing, extracurricular activities and all, but there are only certain ones that are actually academically challenging enough to be worthwhile.” She pulled three textbooks from the locker and shoved them in her bag. Evan wondered how she was able to carry it. 

“I was thinking of starting one. Well, not really a club, and organization? Maybe. I’m not sure yet.” 

Alana shut her door and turned to Evan. She was beaming. “That’s a wonderful idea! Being a member of a club is not nearly as fulfilling as starting one.” 

“I was wondering if you wanted to help?” 

“Oh.” Alana was frowning. “I don’t know if I’ll have time. I’d love to hear about it, though.” 

“Right. So um, it’s about being remembered? That’s not a good explanation. It’s, um… Have you ever felt like nobody was there?” Alana looked lost. Evan breathed. He could do this. Quoting the other timeline was fine, mistakes were made but a lot of good came from those mistakes. “Forgotten in the middle of nowhere?” 

It seemed to click for Alana. “A support group! Evan, that’s a wonderful idea! We have to do this. No one deserves to be forgotten.” They both froze. Evan laughed nervously. “I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu. No mind. I can talk to the principal about finding a teacher sponsor. Do you have any ideas on what you want to call this group yet?” 

Evan was fine with it being called anything except for “The Connor Project” but he couldn’t exactly tell Alana that. 

“Not yet. I was hoping that the four of us would be able to get together and throw around ideas.” 

“Four?” 

“You, Jared, Connor, and I. I was talking to them about it last night.” 

Alana’s eyes lit up. “I think this is a wonderful group to start out with! Of course we will eventually grow into a larger organization. Do you think Zoe would like to join? If Connor is a part of it then we should extend the invitation to her, it’s only fair.” 

“I haven’t asked her.” Evan didn’t plan on asking her. “Maybe you could?” That wasn’t what he was going for but it would work. 

“As future co-founder it would be my honor to invite Zoe to join us.” Alana’s phone went off. She pulled it out and looked at it quickly before shutting off whatever alarm she had set. “I’m terribly sorry, but I need to go. I have fencing practice in half an hour and then tutoring at the library after that. I’ll text you more details later. Goodbye, Evan!’ 

Alana turned and took off down the hall. Evan was used to her abrupt endings but that had to be a new record. He sent a text to Jared telling him that Alana was on board. Jared responded with a cat giving a thumbs up gesture. 

Outside in the parking lot Connor was waiting for him. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and a cigarette hanging from his lips. He looked like every teen novels description of a “badboy”. Evan could do without the smoking and so could Connor. 

“That’s not good for you.” He said as he approached Connor. Connor simply shrugged and put it out against the brick of the school. 

“There’s a lot of things that aren’t good for me. One little smoke isn’t going to make a big difference.” 

“You see, that’s not really true. The nicotine is addicting, so one leads to two which leads to four and so on. And you don’t know you might smoke around, what if it sends someone into an asthma attack?” 

“Do you always think of the worst case scenario?” 

“Usually, yeah.” 

Connor laughed and started leading Evan towards his car. They made plans to meet up with Jared at his house after he told them Heidi was picking up dinner. Jared jumped at the chance for free food. Connor was more hesitant but agreed after Evan said his mom would start a conversation with Jared and give the two of them more time to explore the whole “alternate timeline” thing. This would give Evan another chance to explain things and maybe write them out for Connor. It would also give them a chance to try and establish some limits of what they can and cannot do.

“Kleinman texted me, he said he’s already at your house. He also said your window is unlocked, so he’s probably in your room.”

Evan sighed. “Jared has a key to my house. He knows where the spare key is. Why does he climb in through the window? Connor, why does he do that?” They reached Connor’s car. Evan waited for Connor to unlock the doors. 

“I don’t know Kleinman very well, but he’s fucking crazy. If I were you, I wouldn’t want him to have a key to my house.” 

They both got into the car. 

“It’s less of my decision and more of my moms. She sometimes sends him to check on me if I’m not responding to her messages. She worries and Jared’s convenient.” 

“Yikes. That sounds horrible. I can’t imagine what it must be like knowing Kleinman can get into your house anytime he wants.” Connor started the car. 

“It’s pretty nerve wracking.” 

Evan turned to gaze out the window. They fell into silence. It wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence. They were both content to sit there listening to the hum of the engine and the static of the radio. Evan still wasn’t sure what having friends was like but if it’s anything like this, he could get used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back
> 
> it me


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan, Connor, and Jared talk. Then Connor and Evan talk.

Jared had, to Evan’s chargain and Connor’s amusement, climbed in through Evan’s bedroom window. They found him lying on Evan’s bed reading through old comic books. Evan sighed and dropped his bag next to his door on the inside of his room. Connor stood just outside in the hallway for a moment before joining the two in the bedroom. 

“Not gonna lie, I didn’t think he’d actually be able to do it.” 

Jared threw the comic he was reading down onto the bed. “Excuse me, you want? Do you want to fight? I will fucking fight you, don’t doubt me.” 

Connor shot Evan a questioning look. Evan shrugged and nudged Jared. Jared got the memo and shifted so he wasn’t taking up the entire bed. Evan sat down and patted the space next to him. 

“I’m not going to fight you, Kleinman. I’m playing nice, you should try it.”

“I was just minding my own business, doing some reading, when you came in here and started doubting my wall scaling abilities. I’ll have you know I’m an excellent climber. It’s part of the friend requirements.” 

“Friend requirements?”

“Do you even know Evan? He’s an expert tree climber and all that nerdy stuff. I guarantee you, once he’s out of that cast you’ll be up trees in no time.” 

“What? Jared! No, it’s not required, Connor. I don’t make people climb trees. Oh god, Jared why would you say that?”

“Don’t make people climb trees? I beg to differ!” Jared flung off his jacket and started pointing out various scars on his arms. “This is from third grade when Evan wanted to climb a tree in my backyard our parents told us not to touch. This is from sixth grade when our families went camping and Evan needed help getting up into an oak because he hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet. This is from freshman year when-”

“WOW OKAY JARED WE GET IT I LIKE CLIMBING TREES LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY? I TALKED TO ALANA. SHE LIKES THE IDEA.” 

Connor started laughing at Evan’s subject change but it worked. Jared’s attention was shifted from embarrassing Evan to discussing the not-Connor Project. They really needed to get a name for it. Evan liked “You Will be Found”, as it was the central message of his speech in the original timeline, but he had a feeling Alana wouldn’t appreciate the three of them making such a big decision without her. It’d be easier to wait until they could have a meeting with her and vote on a name then. 

“If we’re going to be doing this, then it’s needs to be done in a way that people will actually want to learn about it. I’m voting for an online presence. Nearly everyone uses social media. We could create an email specifically for this. I’m also voting for Twitter, Tumblr, maybe a website. Actually, definitely a website. People can submit their stories if they want them shared, ask for help from people with issues. That’s you two, by the way.”

“What makes you think anyone would want our help? I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but Evan and I aren’t exactly poster boys for good decisions.” 

“That may be true, but you’re real. Let’s be honest, with this support group we’re going to be attracting the people who are too afraid or who can’t go to their parents because they know they won’t listen. It’s not ideal but you’ve got experience. They might be willing to listen to people who know what they’re going through.” 

Connor didn’t look convinced. Truth be told, Evan wasn’t either. He never liked to talk about his anxiety. He doubted anyone else would want to hear him talk about it. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t try. Maybe there would be someone out there like him, someone who got scared talking on the phone or nervous waiting for the delivery driver to count change. The Connor Project had been a memorial and a fundraiser. Evan never interacted with anyone who was affected by his speech. Maybe this time he could actually feel the difference he was making. 

“I think it’s worth a shot.” He finally said. Both Connor and Jared looked at him expectantly. Evan cleared his throat and started again. “I mean, it’s hard asking for help sometimes, right? It’s easier if it’s anonymous. We don’t have to put our identities out there, but we can share our stories. We might not be able to do much, but at least we can let people know they’re not alone.” 

“That’s, actually a really good idea. I can start building us a website. For now we can use one of those hosted over a larger domain. Eventually we’ll have to register our own, but this can be a good start.” Jared jumped off the bed and walked to Evan’s bag. He got Evan’s laptop and resumed his previous position. 

“Alright, I’m sold.” Jared shot Connor a surprised look. Connor shrugged. “You’re right. Sometimes people need help but can’t ask. Least we can do is let them know they’re not alone.” 

“How civil of you, Connor.” Evan expected Jared to add a sarcastic comment, something meant to edge Connor towards his breaking point. He was pleasantly surprised when Jared’s attention stayed on the website. “What are you guys thinking color scheme-wise? It shouldn’t be anything too dull and dark but it also shouldn’t be too bright. We need to find a happy medium.” 

“We can always made it dark with an accent color.” Connor said while scrolling through his phone. Evan looked down and smiled. Jared snorted and started typing on the laptop. Connor looked up and glared at Jared. “What? I’m in honors art, let me live.” 

“While normally I’d be all for gray-scale with a little bit of color, I don’t think we should.” 

“And why not?” Connor asked defensively. 

“I’m just not feeling it. I’ll keep it simple and generic for now. I’ll have some color choices made by the time we have a chance meet up with Alana. We can go through and vote on what we like best then. Speaking of, we should all have our own login. We can use the main account for official things but it’s be nice to check on the website without having to use it. Any questions?” 

Evan had questions. He had a lot of questions but Connor beat him to it.

“Yeah, could you go through that again except slower and in english?” 

Jared sighed and turned the laptop screen to face them. Evan wasn’t sure what he was looking at. He had taken basic HTML with Jared as freshmen but Jared had obviously been more interested in it. Evan passed the class and moved on. Jared had only continued to study the coding language. All of that studying paid off if the document was anything to go by. 

“This right here,” Jared taped on the screen. “Is our current colors. Keeping it simple with dark blue and white. We’ll change it up in the future, but this can work for now. This,” He tapped another line of code. “Will eventually lead to our login where people can create an account or link their own social media to login. Once they’re logged in they’ll be able to access our stories, community stories, and the forums where they can ask for advice. Of course the forums are going to be moderated since it is the internet and people suck. Any more questions?” 

\---

The three of them worked together building the website. Being the only one of the three who knew how to code, Jared ended up doing the majority of the actual work. Connor and Evan were content to sit and listen to Jared’s explanations, occasionally asking questions and giving suggestions. Connor, during a particularly long silence, had pulled out a book and was currently reading. Evan sat back against the headboard leaning into him while Jared lied next to Evan typing away on the laptop. Evan was drifting in and out of consciousness. He wasn’t tired but he was comfortable and relaxed. 

Evan was in a period of awake when the front door opened and shut. “Evan! I’m home.” Heidi called. Evan got up throwing out an apology to Connor and Jared and rushed down to meet his mom. It was all a part of his plan to be a better son. They didn’t see each other too often and as a result had drifted apart. The rift was too wide to fix in the original timeline but there was still a chance here. Evan was grasping on to that thread and not letting go. 

“Hey Mom.” Evan took the bags from Heidi’s arms. She shot him a grateful smile and held open the door to the kitchen. “Jared and Connor are upstairs.” 

“Jared and Connor, huh? They’ve got such different personalities, I never thought the two of them would get along.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Evan set the bags down on the counter. He started rifling through them looking for his chicken alfredo. “I think they’re trying for me. It’s weird, once you get past Connor’s walls and Jared’s insecurities they’re a lot alike. I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

Heidi smiled and organized the take-out containers Evan set down in his quest for the chicken alfredo. “I’m glad they’re getting along. Everyone needs a support system.” 

Evan found his chicken alfredo the moment Jared and Connor walked into the kitchen. They were chatting about school like two friends would. He watched them both greet Heidi with smiles. She smiled back in a way that Evan recognized as being her “Evan’s having an attack” smile. It didn’t settle well with him. He looked down at his alfredo. 

“Good evening, boys. How are you?” 

“Heya, Heidi. Oo, is that Vinny’s?” 

Jared made grabby hands towards the containers. Heidi handed both Jared and Connor a take-out box. “I wasn’t sure what you boys would want so I go you both chicken parm. I hope that’s alright.” 

Jared took his container. “That’s great. Thanks second mom!” 

Connor was more hesitant about taking the container. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” 

“Of course I did! I couldn’t just pick up something for Evan, Jared and I without getting you something. Let me know what you like and I’ll grab that next time. You too, Jared.” 

“Will do, Hides.” 

“Thank you, Ms. Hansen.” 

“Please, Connor, call me Heidi.” Evan stood back while Heidi talked to Jared and Connor. This whole situation felt wrong. He didn’t know why. “So, what are you three up to?” 

“We’re building a website.” Jared answered as he grabbed four forks. He handed one to each of them. Evan looked at the fork and then at his chicken alfredo. He wasn’t feeling well. “Evan had this idea about a support group. We’ve spent the evening working on the website.”

Heidi’s eyes lit up. “Oh, a support group? Evan, you haven’t told me about this yet.” 

“It’s uh, a work in progress. I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen, I wanted to wait until everyone was on board before I started telling people.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! Tell me more.” 

The four of them migrated to the dining table. They had to move around papers and books to make room. Evan couldn’t remember the last time he and his mom had eaten here. Why did it feel wrong that they were now? Was it because Jared and Connor were with them? Evan wasn’t jealous of them. He didn’t care that they were taking the attention away from him and they started explaining the group to his mom. He was actually relieved he wasn’t going to have to be the one telling her about it. So why did all of this feel wrong? 

Jared, Connor, and Heidi were all eating. Evan looked down at his chicken alfredo and swallowed a lump in his throat. He was aware of Connor staring at him. He smiled at Connor and stabbed his fork into the pasta. Evan managed to swallow down a few bites of the meal before he needed to stop. Skipping one dinner wasn’t going to hurt him. It was fine, especially since he felt so nauseous. It’d be better to stop now than to try and force himself to eat only to get sick later. Evan set his fork down and put the lid back on the container. 

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to put this up.” 

Jared and Heidi were too engrossed in their conversation to notice Evan leave the table but Connor’s eyes followed him all the way to the kitchen. 

\---

By the time Jared left, Heidi had already gone to bed. That left Evan and Connor sitting on his bed. Neither boys knew where their friendship stood at the moment. Both knew they were close, having been brought together by events they didn’t quite understand, but that didn't tell them how the other felt. Evan wasn’t sure if Connor was just tolerating him because of what they’re going through and Connor didn’t know if Evan was going to run at the first sign of a breakdown. It scared them knowing that the other wasn’t always going to be a guarantee. But until something happened, they were going to take advantage of being thrown together. Evan was going to find the friend Jared couldn’t be and Connor was going to find the person willing to listen. 

“How are your arms?” Evan blurted out, interrupting the silence they had placed themselves in. Connor looked up from the bedspread to Evan who avoided eye contact. 

“They’re fine, I guess. I haven’t really looked at them.” 

Evan frowned and scooted closer to Connor. “Can I?” He asked while carefully grabbing hold of Connor’s wrist. Connor shrugged and let Evan pull his arm out. Evan rolled Connor’s sleeve and started unwrapping the bandages. They were bloody and Evan cursed himself for not thinking to check the previous night. “I’ll be right back. Stay here.” 

Evan let go of Connor’s arm and let Connor drop it back to his side. Evan stood and walked from his room towards the bathroom. He grabbed a towel and the first aid kit. Connor was still sitting in the same position Evan had left him in. 

“I grabbed everything. I figured I should treat it like a fresh injury. Which, I mean, it kind of is? You did just get it the other day. It doesn’t look infected but I just want to be safe. I can get my mom to look at it in the morning if you’re concerned about it. She wouldn’t mind. She might try and convince you to go to the hospital or at least an urgent care but you’ll be able to talk her out of that. She worries but doesn’t like to force anyone into situations they’re uncomfortable with. Although she might get mad at your parents. Okay, maybe we shouldn’t tell my mom. I’ll do my best at re-wrapping this. We can hope it’s fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” 

Evan finished unwrapping the bandages at he talked. He set them down on his bed. They were slightly bloody and it probably wasn’t the best idea to drop them there. He dug through the first-aid kit and pulled out an alcohol wipe. 

“You’ll do fine.” Connor hissed when Evan brought the alcohol wipe down onto his arm. “Fuck, that hurts.” 

“I want to feel bad, but I don’t.”

“That’s fucking savage, dude.

“Oh god, that was mean. I’m sorry. I do feel bad, this is pretty bad.” The cuts were red and irritated. Dried blood was flaking off of his skin. Evan took another alcohol wipe to get the remainder of the blood off of Connor’s arm. “I should have checked on this last night. This looks really painful. Have you taken anything for pain today?”

“I took some Advil earlier.”

“How early is earlier?” 

“Uh, two am? Maybe three. I’m not actually sure.” 

Evan sighed and lathered the antibiotic ointment on Connor’s arm. He was starting to bleed again, likely from having the cuts tended to. “You should have taken some before school.” He picked up the gauze and started wrapping it around Connor’s arm. “Tell me if it’s too tight.” 

“It’s fine.” Connor said. His hand was clenched into a fist. Evan loosened the wrapping anyways. “You’re really good at this.” 

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.” 

“Good thing, definitely. What would I do without you?”

“Not be caught up in a mysterious time travel debacle that we can’t actually explain. Sorry about that, by the way.” Evan taped down the gauze and pulled Connor’s jacket sleeve back down. 

“It’s not your fault.” Connor rubbed his arm over the jacket. “You didn’t exactly choose for this to happen.” 

Evan picked up the old bandages and walked across the room to throw them away. He moved the first aid kit off his bed and set it down on his bedside table. He crawled back onto the bed and sat next to Connor at the top of the bed.

“Just because I didn’t choose it doesn’t mean it’s not my fault.” 

Connor was quiet for a long time. Evan was worried he said the wrong thing. Was Connor going to leave? He hadn’t gotten up yet. Evan wanted the comfort and safety Connor had brought him the past few days but he didn’t want to cross any lines. He kept space between the two of them and picked at his bedsheets. 

“Evan.” Evan looked up. Connor had moved so he was sitting cross-legged and facing Evan. “Do you blame yourself for what happened?” Evan didn’t say anything. “You shouldn’t. I know I wasn’t around, but you shouldn’t blame yourself. Seriously. You’re allowed to make mistakes.”

He looked down and started fiddling with his blanket. “I spent half of my senior year pretending I was best friends with someone who killed themself. I couldn’t handle the pressure of the truth coming out and went down the same path. How is it not my fault?” 

Connor sighed and lied down. Evan made no move to follow him. “You don’t make cheering you up easy, I hope you know that.” 

“Sorry. I’m not used to this. The whole being cheered up thing. It doesn’t usually happen to me.” 

“Don’t worry, I’m not the type of person who tries to cheer people up.” 

“Then why are you trying?” Evan was genuinely curious as to why Connor would bother, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer. Was Connor still here because he actually wanted to be or did he feel obligated because they were both stuck in the same situation? 

“Because you deserve it.” Connor said. He pulled Evan’s hands off the comforter and held them the best he could from the position they were in. “I don’t know if you’ve forgotten this already or not, but you kind of saved my life the other day. What happened in the other timeline doesn’t matter anymore.”

“But it kind of does because I’m constantly worrying about it. Not that I’m saying you’re lying or anything, but it’s just hard to forget it when thinking about it makes me feel sick.” 

“You have my number. If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to text me. Especially if you’re feeling like that. I’m not going to abandon you because of what happened in the past.” 

Evan nodded and finally joined Connor in lying down. He assumed Connor was going to be staying the night. Heidi had extended the invitation to both him and Jared. Jared had declined but Connor didn’t accept nor decline. Evan was guessing this was his acceptance. He didn’t mind. He had slept better the night Connor was with him than he had in a long time. Evan didn’t think this codependency was healthy but he didn’t care either. Connor was bringing him the normalcy he desperately needed and in return he was going to try his hardest to be the listener Connor desired. The situation wasn’t going to be perfect, but it never was for Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to lea who tells me when things don't make sense (you're great)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor like hash browns. Connor and Jared talk.

Heidi woke the boys up the next morning before she left for work. Evan rolled over away from his mom and tried to get a few more minutes of sleep as he listened to Heidi and Connor talk.

“How are you feeling today, Connor?”

“Good, thank you for asking Ms. Hansen.”

“Connor, I’ve told you to call me Heidi. I don’t mind it, and really I’d prefer it if you did.” 

“Sorry, force of habit I guess. All of my parents friends like being called Mr. or Mrs., no first names allowed.” 

“No offense to your parents or their friends, but that sounds awful. How are you supposed to form bonds when everyone insists on being spoken to in such formal terms?” 

“I’ve been asking myself that question for years.” 

“Shoot.” Evan assumed Heidi had checked the time and realized she was running late. “Are you and Jared stopping by again?” Evan pulled the blanket tighter around himself. He realized he was scared to hear the answer. Did he want them to come by? Sure. It was a reminder that Jared didn’t hate him yet and Connor was still alive, but he didn’t know how long they would be willing to put up with him. Evan was surprised they stayed this long.

“I was actually wondering if I could steal Evan for the afternoon?” 

“Of course! Just drive safely.” Heidi’s phone went off. Evan recognized it as he ‘Leave house now’ alarm. “I’ve really got to go, bye Connor, bye Evan. Love you.” 

Evan mumbled a response and buried his face further into the pillow. He felt Connor getting out of the bed beside him and listened to Connor as he moved around Evan’s room. 

“It’s only six-thirty. You can go back to bed. I’ll wake you up in an hour.” 

Evan didn’t hear what Connor said next. He was already falling asleep. 

\---

The next time Evan woke up it was to Connor shaking him. 

“Come on, Hansen. It’s seven-thirty. I don’t care too much about school but I know you do. So up.” Evan groaned and tried to hide under the blanket but Connor wasn’t having it. “Nope. Not happening.” Connor dragged the blanket off of Evan. 

“I hate you.” 

“Sure you do. Get up, Kleinman’s been texting me for half an hour. I need you to stop me from killing him.” 

Evan rolled out of bed and walked towards his dresser. He dug through the drawers looking for something to wear. He noticed Connor was wearing his clothes again. Evan wondered if this was going to be a reoccurring circumstance. He didn’t mind. It was nice seeing Connor in something other than shades of gray. 

“You uh, said Jared was texting you?” 

“Oh, yeah.” Connor was lying on his bed again. He wasn’t looking at Evan but at a book he pulled from Evan’s shelf. “He asked what time I went home and freaked when I said I didn’t.” Evan could already tell he wasn’t going to like where this was going. “So he’s spent the past half hour asking me increasingly more risque questions about how we spend our time when he’s not here.”

“Oh god.” 

“That’s not even the worst of it. Jared once again gave me the ‘what are your intentions with my son’ talk and then proceeded to threaten me.” 

“I’m sorry. About him. And everything he says and will say in the future.” Evan changed from his pajama shirt to a blue t-shirt. “Jared doesn’t know when to stop sometimes.” He had a debate inside his head about changing his pants in the room. Changing into his shirt was easier after the incident earlier in the week. Connor had already seen him shirtless, even if Evan wasn’t completely comfortable because of the what ifs that were always plaguing him. 

Evan picked out a pair of khakis from his drawer and walked towards the door. He decided it would be easier to change in the bathroom, so he could also brush his teeth and hair. It made more sense that way. Plus Connor didn’t say anything weird about Evan leaving the room, which was also nice. 

While Evan finished getting ready Connor explored his room. Connor hadn’t had much time to venture around the previous times he had come to Evan’s house. He had spent a bit of time walking through the house after Heidi left, not touching anything but exploring. He had been afraid of waking Evan up so he left his room alone but Evan was awake now. Even more, Evan had left the room. It was practically an invitation for Connor to look around.

Connor had expected Evan’s walls to be a shade of blue or maybe even white. He had been surprised to see they were green but it fit Evan’s tree aesthetic. The mural of a forest on the wall his bed was against also helped. It didn’t look professionally done but rather like a DIY project. It reminded Connor of something his own mother had done for Zoe when they were younger. 

He appreciated Evan’s bookshelf. It was well stocked with newer novels as well as the classics. Connor had pulled Of Mice and Men down to read while Evan got ready. 

Evan’s closet was rather bland. Not that Connor’s was any better. Connor kept half of his room in his closet, especially the things he was worried about losing or breaking. Evan’s held a few articles of clothing and two boxes labeled “memories”. There were also a lot of frowning faces drawn on them but Connor chose to ignore those. 

He heard Evan down the hall humming in the bathroom. Connor was tempted to get closer, he wanted to get closer, but he didn’t want to scare Evan. They were building a mutual trust between them and Connor didn’t want to break it. He wasn’t sure why he was so willing to trust Evan. Something about the smaller boy made him feel calm and safe. Connor remembered the previous timeline, at least what had happened while he was alive. He remembered shoving Evan, calling him a freak, and getting angry again in the computer lab. Connor had felt weird confronting Evan the second time. In the original timeline he had followed Evan to the computer lab with the intent of apologizing for being a dick earlier in the day, this time he had no reason. Something compelled him to go and to pick up that paper. He was glad he listened. 

Connor stood in front of Evan’s desk. The wall behind, as well as the surface of the desk itself, were covered in pictures. There were photos of Evan and his mom, Evan and Jared when they were younger, as well as Evan and an older man who Connor assumed was his father. Connor didn’t know the story about Evan’s dad. He knew he wasn’t in the picture, that could be told by the lack of photos around the house. Connor also remembered hearing kids whisper about it in elementary school. Evan looked like he was at least fifteen in the picture so he must have had some sort of relationship with his dad, no matter how strained it was. 

“I’m um, ready to leave. Whenever you are of course. Don’t feel rushed just because I’m ready. We can take longer if you need it, I won’t mind.” 

Connor turned from the desk to face Evan standing in the door. “Alright, let’s go.” 

\---

Evan wasn’t sure how school was going to be. He was having the same thoughts yesterday. Would Jared talk to him? Would Connor talk to him? Now he was adding on the fear of Alana now that he’s approached her about the Not Connor Project. 

He really needed to find a better name for that. He couldn’t exactly present the idea to the school as the “Not Connor Project”. No one, asides from Evan and Connor, even knew about that. Evan still wondered if Jared remembered. Over the past few days, especially yesterday, he was seeing something in Jared’s eyes that hadn’t been there before. Evan didn’t know if it was remembrance or concern. He wasn’t sure which one he’d prefer. 

“Did you want to stop somewhere for breakfast before school?”

Evan shifted in the car seat so he could face Connor. The Connor-worry was quelled by his presence. Connor wasn’t going to ignore him. He was driving Evan to school. He stayed over the night before. He wanted to talk to Evan and he wasn’t going to leave no. He certainly wasn’t going to leave and start telling everyone about Evan’s experience in the other timeline and passing Evan’s story off a psychotic break which would eventually end with Evan being committed somewhere. 

“Evan, are you okay?” Connor’s concerned look made Evan realize he had zoned out and not answered yet. 

“Oh, yes, hello, sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because, well you asked if I wanted to stop and I didn’t answer and then you looked concerned because I didn’t answer. So, sorry for that. The whole concerning you thing. And rambling, which I’m doing. Sorry about that.”

“Hey, Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“Stop apologizing.” Connor pulled the car into the McDonald’s parking lot. “I’m getting us hash browns.” 

Evan sat up straighter. “What time is it? Are we going to be late to school? Should we buy Jared a hash brown? What if we run into Alana or your sister? We should buy them hash browns too.” 

“You want to buy the whole school hash browns while we’re at it?”

“Oh, right. Sorry. Just, thinking about what if we run into them with hash browns. It’d be weird if we had them and they didn’t, but we don’t have to buy them any. That’s the better option, more cost effective and stuff.” 

Connor rolled down his window as he pulled up to the drive through. “We’ll get them hash browns. Maybe I can bribe Zoe into telling our parents not to ground me.” 

“Ground you?” Evan asked while Connor rattled off their order. Evan hadn’t thought about Connor being grounded. It made sense, he hadn’t gone home last night. And oh god, he hadn’t gone home earlier in the week either. That’s two nights Connor had stayed with Evan instead of going home, of course his parents we’re going to be mad. He should have insisted Connor go home the night before. He was selfish. That’s the only logical explanation of why he hadn’t made Connor go home the previous night and now he was going to be grounded and it was all Evan’s fault. If Connor was grounded he wouldn’t be able to hang out with Evan after school and Evan wouldn’t be able to reassure himself that Connor was alive. What if Connor tried something when Evan wasn’t there? Evan wouldn’t be able to stop him and Connor might be gone. 

“Here.” Connor handed the bag of hash browns to Evan. He hadn’t even reloaded they had left McDonald’s. What if Connor had tried asking him something and he didn’t hear? Did Connor notice he had zoned out again? And why was the bag so heavy? 

“Uh, Connor?” 

“Yup?” 

“There’s like, twenty hash browns in this bag.” 

“Uh huh.” 

“There’s only five of us.” 

“Four a person, Evan.” 

“Right… four a person. That’s, that’s fine. I mean, it seems like a bit much but I’m not saying that like it’s a problem. It’s most definitely not a problem. I’m rambling again. Sorry. I’m going to be quiet now.” 

Evan shut his mouth. He picked at a loose thread on his shirt to keep himself occupied. They were almost to the school. Despite the detour they weren’t running late. Evan was glad. He really didn’t want to get detention because he was late. His mom might have been able to call the school and get him out of it but then Connor would have been stuck in detention. That wouldn’t go well for either of them because they had plans. Evan wasn’t exactly sure what said plans were. He wasn’t even sure if there were actual plans. He was pretty certain he had heard Connor mention something to his mom earlier but he had been mostly asleep. He could have very well imagined it in his sleep idled-mind. 

Evan didn’t hesitate unbuckling his seat belt and jumping out of the car when they were finally parked at the school. He grabbed his book bag and slung it over his shoulders and the bag of hash browns which he clutched to his chest. He stood next to the car waiting for Connor who took his time gathering his things. Evan was aware of all the eyes on them. Connor drew attention wherever he went while Evan tended to fly under the radar, only speaking out whenever necessary. He had grown used to extra attention with the Connor Project but in his final weeks had faded from the spotlight. Once again he found himself wanting to retreat into the darkness. 

“People are staring.” He said when Connor finally joined him outside the car. Connor didn’t have his book bag. Evan briefly wondered if the taller teen had plans to go to class.

“They always do.” Connor replied while taking the bag of hashbrowns from Evan. He pulled two out. He gave one to Evan and stuck the other in his mouth. 

Evan stared down at the hashbrown in his hand. He wasn’t hungry. He felt nauseous. The same kind of nausea that came before public speaking. “Can we go inside?”

Connor didn’t seem fazed by the attention or the question. “Sure.” Connor took hold of Evan’s arm with his free hand and started leading him through the pre-school crowd in the parking lot. Sometime along the way they picked up Jared and he followed along beside them into the school.

“So, anything interesting happen last night?” 

“Define interesting.” Connor said passing Jared a handful of hashbrowns. “Evan said we had to buy you a hashbrown if we were coming to school with them.” 

“Interesting is anything I can post on my blog as scandalous or that’ll make the hearts swoon.” Jared counted his hashbrowns. “Four?” 

“Then no. Nothing interesting. Unless you count Heidi waking us up at six am to tell us she was leaving. I bought everyone four hashbrowns, don’t feel special.” 

“Who exactly is everyone?” 

Connor split from Jared and Evan to greet Alana at her locker. Evan couldn’t hear what he was saying to her but her eyes lit up and she graciously accepted the four hashbrowns. The two continued exchanging words. Evan walked down the hall to his own locker and started pulling his books out while Jared followed him. 

“Do you want this?” Evan asked holding his hash brown out to Jared. 

Jared stared at the hash brown. “Did Connor do something to it?” 

“What? No!” Evan was aware he yelled that and sounded very defensive. “Sorry, that was loud. No, he didn’t do anything to it. I’m not really feeling up for eating right now.”

Jared didn’t look convinced but he took the hash brown and added it to his own in his hands. “Are you feeling alright? If you’re sick you should go to the nurse. If you’re not you should go anyways and get out of class by playing off an illness.” 

Evan frowned and shut his locker. “That’s taking advantage and I don’t want to take advantage of Nurse Kievel. And no, I’m not sick. Just, not feeling well.” 

“Not feeling well?” Evan jumped at the sudden appearance of Connor. “Are you sick?” Connor felt Evan’s forehead with the back of his hand. His cold hand. Evan pulled away and ducked under Connor’s arm. 

“I’m fine. Just nerves, I think. I’m always like this at the beginning of the school year, I’ll be fine.” Neither Connor not Jared seemed convinced. Evan scanned the hallway looking for an escape route. His eyes fell on Zoe who was walking their way. “Look Connor, Zoe. Give her the hash browns.” Evan nudged Connor towards Zoe. He was temporarily distracted and now Evan only needed Jared’s attention elsewhere to get away. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Jared asked. Evan wanted to say he was surprised by the actual concern in his voice but he wasn’t, especially not after the last few days. “You can be jumpy at the start of the school year, but it’s never been this bad.” 

“It’s our senior year, Jared. I think I’m allowed to be more nervous than usual.” Evan didn’t bother waiting for a response. He mentioned homeroom, loud enough for Connor to hear, and took off down the hall. 

Jared frowned at Evan’s sudden departure but didn’t run after him. He instead turned his attention to the Murphy siblings. 

“You can’t keep doing this, Connor. Mom was about to call the cops last night.” 

“Look, can you just try to cover for me?” 

“Are you going to tell me where you were?” 

“I wasn’t doing anything illegal. Isn’t that good enough?” 

“No! It’s not. You’re going to end up dead in a ditch somewhere and I’m going have to deal with the aftermath of your stupid decisions.” 

“Have you, or our parents, ever stopped to think that maybe I need help? That if I end up dead in a ditch it’s going to be your fault? Because it is. Here.” Connor shoved the bag into Zoe’s arms. “Three of those are Evan’s.” Connor looked towards Evan’s locker only seeing Jared. It wasn’t ideal. He’d prefer Evan but Jared was better than his sister. “Jared! I need to talk to you. Library, now.” 

Jared didn’t argue. He waved to Zoe and ran after Connor who had already started walking down the hall towards the library. 

“So, I know you’re using me as an excuse to get away from your sister, but did you actually need me or?” 

“Tell me about Evan.” 

“Uh, why?” 

Connor pushed open the doors to the library and threw his stuff down next to a table. “Because I don’t know very much about him and you’re his closest friend. Deny if you want, I don’t care. You’re the only person at this school who knows things about him.” 

Jared dropped his stuff next to Connor’s and joined him in sitting at the table. “If I tell you about Evan then you have to tell me something.” 

“No, I’m not sleeping with Evan. No, I don’t plan on sleeping with Evan.” 

“Not what I was going to ask, but good to know. I want to know where your sudden obsession with Evan came from. We’ve gone to the same school for twelve years and now suddenly you’re talking to him. Why?”

“Am I not allowed to make friends?” 

“No, that’s not it. It’s just,” Jared paused, wondering how to phrase his concerns. “Evan’s special to me. He’s my best friend and I don’t want to see him hurt. Not that I’m saying you’re going to hurt him, but this sudden interest is questionable. Not to mention this whole support group. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great idea, but it’s something Evan needs. I don’t want him to trust you only for you to back out when he needs it the most.” 

“I’m not going to drop him. Unlike some people I know he needs a support system.”

“Ouch. Low blow, Murphy.” 

The bell rang. Both teens knew they were now skipping but neither cared enough to go to class. 

“Had to make it at some point.” Connor tapped his fingers against the table. Jared didn’t say anything. Connor sighed. “He stopped me from doing something stupid. That’s why Evan and I are talking.”

Jared stared at Connor for a moment before seemingly realizing what he was saying. “Oh. OH. Shit dude, that’s rough.” 

Connor shrugged. “It’s not like half the school doesn’t know about my other attempts.” 

“I don’t just call Evan and I family friends to be an asshole.” Jared started, trying to find a change of subject. “We are family friends. That’s how we met. Our moms our friends, so when we were younger we were thrown together a lot. Everything’s easier when you’re a kid. I wasn’t afraid of being associated with him. We used to everything together.” 

“Until you didn’t.”

“Yeah. Until we didn’t. It was my fault. In middle school cliques were formed and suddenly I felt like I had to be cool. Evan didn’t really care about any of that. We just kind of drifted apart after that. Evan had his trees and I had my, well, nothing really. I don’t have anything. I play video games and read comic books but after that there’s nothing.” 

Connor stayed silent. He knew there had to be something to Jared that made him such an asshole but he wasn’t expecting this. He never thought Jared would open up, much less to him while they were skipping class and hiding in the library. It gave Connor a new perspective on the situation. If this was how Jared really felt, and judging by the distant look in his eyes it was, then he understood his reaction, as described by Evan, in the other timeline. Jared was desperately trying to stay afloat on a sinking ship. 

“You should talk to Evan.” He finally said. Jared, while still not focusing, looked over at him. “He’d probably understand if you tried to explain yourself.” 

“I doubt it. I’ve been lying to him for six years because I’m afraid of being the loser with only one friend.” 

“But you’re not. You’re the loser with three friends.” 

“Three?” 

“I would say four, but I doubt Zoe would be willing to associate herself with any of my friends. It wouldn’t be damaging to her reputation, she just hates me.” 

“Wait, back up. We’re friends?” 

“I still don’t like you, but graduating high school with no friends isn’t exactly on my bucket list. Besides, if I’m going to be friends with Evan I might as well try and be friends with you. Things would get awkward otherwise. As for friend number three, we’re going to be working closely with Alana over the next few months. If the four of us don’t form some kind of friendship I’m suing every director who’s done some sort of cheesy teen movie.” 

“That’s, poetic and sounds impossible. The suing part, not the weird friendship thing.” 

“Nothing’s impossible if you put your mind to it. Or just get high.” 

“Are you speaking from experience?” 

“Yup. Got high one time and decided I wanted to eat a pound of sour gummy worms.” 

It was weird. Strange. And the start of something new. Connor didn’t one hundred percent trust Jared and he knew Jared didn’t trust him, but they were both willing to try and that was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this wasn't supposed to go this way but ya know, yolo
> 
> also I didn't edit this, or proofread, ill do that later


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group comes together and then things start to fall apart.

Evan was walking out of second period when Zoe and Alana stopped him. 

“Um, hi?” 

“Hello, Evan! I was talking to Zoe about the club. We’ve both agreed it’s a great idea but we need to talk about it. Running a club is hard. This one is going to be especially draining, but I’m sure we’ll do great! Before we can make things official, though, we need to sort out positions. I’m assuming the two of us would be co-presidents, since it was your idea and I have the most experience. So we need to discuss positions for Jared, Connor, and Zoe. Are you busy right now?” 

“Uh…” Evan looked between the two girls. He had a feeling they wouldn’t be dropping this. “I’m not busy. I was actually going to the library to meet Connor and Jared, you’re welcome to join me?” 

Alana was beaming and pulling Zoe towards the library before Evan even finished. He fell into step behind them and followed. Alana seemed to have taken the lead in their conversation, explaining the club in more depth to Zoe. Listening, Evan didn’t feel the need to correct her about anything. What had worked in the original timeline likely wouldn’t have the same effect here. It was best to leave the details to Alana. 

Together the three of them walked into the library. He was glad they weren’t going to make him walk in alone, as then everyone’s eyes would be on him. This way he’d be able to hide, or at least hide the best he could, behind the two girls. Upon entering, they heard Jared and Connor before they saw them. The two of them sounded like they were in the middle of a heavy debate and when they came into sight they looked the part. Jared was leaning across the table pointing at a book that was open in front of Connor, who seemed interested in what the other was saying. Evan took that as a good sign. It meant that Connor wasn’t annoyed by whatever Jared was trying to explain. 

“Oh, good! Everyone is here. Let’s begin.” Alana dropped her bags at the table the boys were occupying. Evan set his stuff down and sat in the chair between Connor and Jared, leaving the two on the other side open for the girls. He smiled at Connor and waved at Jared. While Connor shifted his attention to the new arrivals, Jared stayed focused on their current topic. 

“Look, Connor. Every sixth word is a cry for help. I’m telling you, Chaucer was held hostage and forced to write the Canterbury Tales.” 

Alana reached over and picked up the book from the table. She looked at the cover and then at Jared. Then back to the cover before looking at the boy in front of her again. “Jared, this is Twilight.” 

“Yes, your point?” 

“I,” Alana seemed to realize that arguing with Jared wasn’t going to work out for anyone in the room. She shut the book and set it down to the side. “So, as I was saying, let’s begin.” 

“Begin what?” Connor asked. He looked every bit as bored as he sounded. Evan briefly wondered if Connor had gotten enough sleep last night. He thought he had, but Connor seemed tired. 

“We need to talk about this club and positions for everyone. I was telling Evan that the two of us could be co-presidents. I could randomly assign everyone else positions but Zoe mentioned how you should have the opportunity to choose.” 

“I wanna be in charge of the treasury. Give me all the money,” Jared said while making grabby hands.

“Okay, I’ll write you down as the treasurer.” Alana pulled a planner from her bag and started jotting things down. She was writing much more than “Jared-Treasurer”. Evan didn’t understand how she worked. He had always found Alana interesting. She was willing to go the extra mile for everything. Evan had taken advantage of that before. He had been too caught up in his own lies to see everything she was putting towards this club. He wasn’t going to make that mistake again. 

“Should we be trusting Jared with money?” Evan really shouldn’t have been surprised that Connor would be questioning Jared’s reliability.

“Excuse me. I’ll have you know I’ve been saving money since I was seven years old. Evan, tell him.” 

“It’s true,” Evan spoke up. “Jared hot glued the lid of an empty jar on so he can’t get into it. It’s rather effective.” Jared looked proud of himself. Evan wasn’t sure if that was the right emotion for the situation but he didn’t say anything. Connor didn’t seem convinced but he didn’t protest anymore. 

“Alright, Connor, what position do you want?” 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Position. You need a position, if you don’t pick one I’ll randomly assign you one.” 

“Yeah, I was just planning on showing up and maybe not killing everyone in the room. I didn’t sign up for a position.” 

“None of us did but it’s part of the responsibility when it comes to starting a club. I think you would be a good communications manager. Zoe, would you mind being the communications manager manager?” 

“Wait, no. You can’t give me a position and then give Zoe the position above me. That’s not happening. I am not reporting to my little sister.” 

“Fine, Zoe, would you mind being secretary?” Zoe shrugged. Alana started writing down the new positions. “Now that everyone’s assigned a position we need to decide on a name. We can’t have a club without having an official name. Evan, it was your idea, any suggestions?” 

Evan didn’t have any. It couldn’t be the Connor Project for obvious reasons. He still liked You Will Be Found. Jared hadn’t exactly had the best reaction to it but that didn’t mean anything. Jared was always reacting oddly to things Evan told him. To Evan, the name made the most sense. A group dedicated to reminding people they’re not alone and helping those who’ve lost their way find the right path. 

“I uh, I like You Will Be Found?” 

“No.”  
“Yes.” 

Evan blinked. He looked at Connor, the only one who had said yes, then to the other three who overall looked confused. Zoe and Alana were staring straight ahead while Jared seemed lost in his own mind. 

“What the fuck, are you three okay?” 

Connor seemed to snap them out of whatever trance they were in. He and Evan shared a worried glance. Evan swallowed and changed the topic. 

“Wh-while we’re here, Alana, have you started on the English project yet?”

\---

After school ended Evan met Connor by his car. He was nervous. Connor hadn’t really explained what they were going to be doing besides from going to his house. That alone freaked Evan out. Going to Connor’s house meant meeting Cynthia and Larry again. It was hard enough keeping himself together in front of Zoe, he had no idea how he would manage in front of them. He chose not to focus on that and instead think about potential answers to questions he might be asked. Connor seemed to notice his internal struggle and kept the radio turned down once they had gotten into the car. 

“You alright?” 

“Yup. Perfectly fine. Do you parents think we’re friends? They thought we were friends in the other timeline and I just kind of went with it. Should we have a backstory? In mine, you were with me when I broke my arm. And a lot of other things. Secret emails, trips to the old orchard, A la Mode. I think we should have a backstory. We can use that one unless you don’t want to. You probably don’t. I’m sure you’re much better at this kind of thing then I am. What if they ask about my mom? Oh god, I don’t know anything about my mom. Should we mention the club? Or is it too soon. Is Zoe going to be there? It’s really hard pretending everything is okay around her. And Alana. It’s a little easier with Jared, but that’s probably because I’ve known him for so long. I also know he doesn’t have any friends. That was rude. I don’t have any friends, I don’t know why I mentioned that he doesn’t. Wow, I’m rambling. Sorry.” 

“Okay, so you need to breathe. Just relax if you can. We don’t have to tell my parents anything. I’m hoping seeing you will get them off my back. If they know I’ve got a friend or something they’ll stop questioning my every move. It’s suffocating. Oh, but just a warning, Cynthia will probably want you to stay for dinner. So, good luck I guess.” 

That didn’t help, but Evan recognized it as Connor’s way of trying. He appreciated the effort. Evan knew he wasn’t exactly the easiest person to deal with. Honestly he was surprised Connor was still around, especially after everything he did in the past. Or, the other timeline. Evan was still confused by how it worked. 

“Sorry. I’ll work on that. Just, backstory?” 

“We don’t need a complex backstory. I sneak out a lot, I can just say I’ve been going to your house. You fine with that?” 

“Y-yeah. That’s fine. Works for me. Just, I need details. Sorry. I like, I like knowing what I’m working with. Otherwise, I’m going to panic and just start talking. Once I start I usually can’t stop. It’s a problem.” 

“Alright, fine. We’ve known each other for years, didn’t start talking till sophomore year. Didn’t start seeing each other outside of school until junior year. We avoided each other in the halls until this year. Realized we didn’t give a shit what other people thought and start talking whenever we wanted. Our mutually dislike for living lead to the idea of You Will Be Found or whatever name Alana is going to write down.”

Evan nodded along to what Connor was saying. He could work with that. It wasn’t perfect, but his story in the other timeline hadn’t been perfect either. There were plenty of plotholes, only this time, he actually had Connor to help fill them in. 

“We can, um, use my anxiety, as the reason we didn’t talk in school. A lot of people have been staring and it really freaks me out. So we can uh, we can say I wasn’t ready and then you convinced me over the summer?” 

“Fits the narrative. I also like the whole being there when you broke your arm. You dropped out of a tree, right?” Evan nodded. “Alright, cool. I used to climb trees a lot when I was younger so that’ll help. Think we need anything else?” 

Evan shook his head. Connor took that as the end of the conversation and turned the radio up. Evan used the rest of the ride to go over the story in his head. He liked how Connor had laid it out. Sophomore, to junior, and then senior year. It could work. Zoe and Alana seemed convinced. Jared knew better, though. If they were going to pull this off they’d need to let him in on it. He wasn’t sure what Jared and Connor had talked about earlier but it might help when it comes to convincing Jared to join their con. It just came down to letting him know what was going on without giving away too many details of the original timeline. Connor might be able to do it. He seemed much better at convincing people in general. Evan wasn’t very good at persuasion.  
Evan shook his head. He didn’t want to think about that right now. He focused on what was happening now. Connor was quietly singing along to the music. Evan didn’t recognize the song but noticed Connor had a nice voice. Evan wondered if he had ever taken chorus. It was too late to sign up for it, but he thought Connor would shine amongst the other singers in their school. Was that weird to think about? It was probably weird to think about. Evan wanted to tell Connor that he had a nice voice but he couldn’t because then Connor would be weirded out and wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore. Then Evan would be stuck in this timeline by himself and might end up exactly where he had been before. It was best not to mention it. 

Evan stared out the window as the car turned into Connor’s neighborhood. He had been here countless times before but was always left in awe at the houses. They were much larger than his own. The families knew how to flaunt their wealth and didn’t hesitate to do just that. It was strange imagining Connor growing up here. He didn’t seem like the kind of person who cared about things like that. Zoe didn’t either but she still prided herself on her image. 

“Cynthia’s home. Just a warning.”

“Oh, okay.” Evan wasn’t ready. Did he brush his hair this morning? Was his shirt wrinkled? He should have brought a jacket. He could hide under a jacket. Maybe he could hide behind Connor?  
The two of them got out of the car, Evan picking up his book bag and slinging it onto his back while Connor left his in the backseat of the car. Evan followed behind Connor to the front door. He couldn’t exactly hide behind him but he tried as Connor threw open the door. The house was different than how he had grown to know it. Of course, he knew it was going to be. Evan had only known the Murphys post-Connor when there was a sadness covering them. In this timeline, Connor was alive and well. 

“Connor, is that you?” Evan grabbed onto Connor’s sleeve as Cynthia walked into the living room. She looked young, younger than she had when Evan had known her. It made him realize just how much Connor’s death had affected her. Evan wondered if his death would have affected his mom that way. Evan tried shrinking back, again wondering how he could hide behind Connor. Cynthia saw him. Her whole demeanor changed, her eyes lit up and she slung the rag she was holding over her shoulder and walked over to meet them. “Oh, hello! I’m Cynthia, Connor and Zoe’s mother. You are?” 

“This is Evan,” Connor said, not moving from his place in front of Evan. “He’s the friend I’ve been staying with. Figured I should bring him since, ya know, you guys don’t believe he’s real.” Cynthia frowned at Connor. He shrugged as if to show he didn’t care.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Evan! Connor hasn’t told us much about you.” She said this with a calculated look directed towards Connor. He seemed indifferent to the look but it had Evan tightening his hold on Connor’s sweatshirt. 

“That’s because I knew this would happen. We’ll be in my room. Call us when dinner’s ready, or don’t, I don’t care either way.” Connor started walking. Evan, keeping his grip on his sweatshirt, followed. 

Evan could have found his way to Connor’s room on his own. He knew where it was having spent enough time in the house to get the general layout. But he wasn’t sure how well that would go over with Connor. Especially the whole “I kissed your sister on your bed after you died” thing. Connor might actually kill Evan and that’s not the way he wanted to go. 

Even Connor’s room felt different. Evan followed Connor inside. He let go of Connor’s sweatshirt and dropped his bag on the ground next to the door. Connor had no problem unwinding. He pulled his shoes off and joined Connor on the bed. Evan sat as far away from the taller boy as he could. He didn’t want to assume Connor was fine with Evan sitting next to him like the arrangement they had at his house.

“That went, well, I think.” Connor laughed. Evan wanted to take back what he had said, Connor seemed to notice the panic on his face because he waved his hand as if to say it’s alright.

“Relax, it went fine. They just don’t know how to react to the possibility of me having friends. It’s not something my family is able to comprehend. Can’t really blame them, ya know, but it’s still frustrating.” 

Evan nodded. He understood where Connor was coming from to an extent. His mom always seemed excited when he mentioned talking to someone other than Jared at school, even if the communication was forced by a teacher or another student. He didn’t have the same shadow following him that Connor did. 

“Why the fuck are you so far away.” Evan snapped his head up towards Connor. Connor had scooted over towards the edge of the bed leaving a space next to him. “Come on. It’s annoying having to talk to you when you’re down there.” Evan inched towards Connor, still not sure if he should take the opening as an invitation or not. Connor seemed frustrated because he held out his hand and pulled Evan up next to him. “I’m not going to bite you. That’s more of Jared’s thing.” 

“Right. Yes. Sorry. I’ll just,” Evan moved so he was more comfortable which meant he was leaning against Connor, head falling on the taller teen’s shoulder. They laid like that, watching videos on Connor’s phone until there was a knock on the door. There was a muffled voice through the door, sounding like Zoe, telling the two of them that dinner was done. Evan pulled himself off of Connor and stretched. Connor rolled off of the bed and did the same. 

“Time for hell. You ready?” 

“Um, not really. Connor, what if I can’t do this? I mean, I knew your family in the other timeline but it was a lie because I fucked everything up. What if I do that again? Oh god, what if they remember? We can’t be the only ones who remember. They’re going to remember and then they’re going to yell at me. It’s going to happen, there’s no way around it.” Evan surprised himself with how calm he was. He had already begun to accept his fate. 

“If they remembered then they probably would have said something to me. Or to Zoe and she would have said something to me because she can’t keep her mouth shut. So you’ll be fine. Just, tap my arm three times or something if you need an out. I’ll make up an excuse and we can leave.” 

“Okay, okay that works. I’ll just, I’ll avoid talking. It’s probably for the best, anyway.” 

“Works for me.” Connor grabbed Evan’s uninjured arm and pulled him towards the door. Evan followed along because it was easier than fighting it. He didn’t want to fight it. He was perfectly content with Connor leading him towards what Evan was assuming was going to be his doom. 

That was probably an exaggeration but he didn’t care. 

Zoe reconvened with them at the top of the stairs. “They’re going to interrogate him, I hope you know that,” she said to Connor. It didn’t help with how nervous Evan was already feeling. He knew it was going to happen, but hearing it said out loud didn’t help. 

“I’m sure they’ll both be highly disappointed that Evan is not, in fact, my dealer.” Connor sounded angry. He let go of Evan and stomped down the stairs. Zoe just groaned and followed him. Evan didn’t want to go down. He was scared, nervous. He knew it was unlikely that the Murphy’s would remember what happened. Zoe didn’t, or at least she hadn’t said anything. That didn’t stop the fear that they would remember and everyone would turn against him, though.

Connor met Evan at the bottom of the stairs. “Didn’t want you to go in alone.” He explained taking Evan’s arms and leading him towards the dining room. Evan wanted to tell him that he already knew where they were going but decided against it. It was easier this way. There wouldn’t be any awkward questions from his family this way. Though Evan had a feeling there were going to be awkward questions with or without his knowledge of their house. 

The Murphy family, sans Connor, were sitting around the table. Zoe and Cynthia were on one side and Larry was at the head of the table, leaving two seats across from Cynthia and Zoe open for Connor and Evan. Evan took the seat closest to Larry. He hadn’t seen any of their interactions but from what he’s heard it was best to keep them separated. 

“Here they are!” Cynthia sang in what Evan guessed was her mom-voice. It wasn’t anywhere close to how she sounded in the other timeline. She sounded happy here, not like she was trying to hold together a broken family. Evan wasn’t sure why they were getting a second chance, but maybe this is it. Connor has another shot at being the son and brother he never was. Evan has a shot for something, though for what he wasn't exactly sure. If nothing changed in his life but Connor’s got better, then that would be enough. He was fine with simply helping Connor. 

“Hmm.” 

Evan wasn’t scared of Larry. Just because he didn’t say anything and was staring at him didn’t mean anything. Connor probably hadn’t brought someone over for a while. None of them knew how to react. Yeah, that’s what Evan was going to go with. 

“So, Evan,” Cynthia began, breaking the silence. “how long have you and Connor been friends?” 

“Few years,” Connor answered. Evan glanced over at Connor. He was staring down at whatever it was Cynthia had cooked. 

“Your mother asked Evan.” 

“Evan doesn’t like talking, therefore I answered. Zoe, pass the salt.” Evan picked up his fork and poked the food. He wasn’t keen on finding out what it was. It looked like Connor wasn’t either. 

“If you’ve been friends for a few years why are we just hearing about him?” 

Evan wondered if Larry in the other timeline had been like this before Connor’s suicide. He wondered what would have happened if he and Connor had actually been friends. Would his first meeting with the Murphy’s have gone like this? Probably. 

“Because I knew this would happen.” 

“You said that earlier. Knew what would happen?” 

“You and Larry interrogating him. He’s not my dealer. He doesn’t do drugs. And he goes to class. Any other questions?” 

The table fell silent. Evan was aware of the eyes on him and Connor. He took a few deep breaths. He wasn’t going to start panicking. He refused to. He set the fork down and grabbed the sleeve of Connor’s jacket. If Connor noticed, which he had to have there was no way he hadn't, he didn’t say anything. Evan was grateful. 

“Well,” Evan wasn’t surprised it was Cynthia who tried to keep the conversation rolling. “Evan, do you need anything? Connor, could you get Evan some water?” 

Connor made a noise but got up from the table. Evan let go of his sleeve and started picking at his cast. It wasn't a large distraction, but it was a start. Evan watched Connor walk out of the room before returning his attention to the table. Without Connor here all eyes were on him and him alone. It was like he was back in the other timeline. Only this time, he wasn’t here because Connor had killed himself. He was here because Connor invited him over. 

“So, Evan, tell us about yourself.” 

“I, um, well, there isn’t much to tell?” 

“Nonsense! There’s always something to tell. How did you and Connor meet?” 

“Oh, well, we’ve known each other our whole lives I guess. We didn’t really start talking until sophomore year.”

“How come I never saw the two of you at school until this year?” 

“You saw the people staring at us. If we talked at school before both being seniors we would have been eaten alive.” Connor walked back into the dining room and set a glass of water in front of Evan. “Besides, maybe we just didn’t want people to know. Last I checked it’s not illegal to want some privacy every now and then.” Connor was looking straight down at his plate but Evan could tell it was directed towards Larry. He didn’t respond but Evan could tell he wasn’t happy with the accusation. 

“Connor, that wasn’t necessary.” Cynthia chastised. Evan wished she would have said something to defuse the situation, not make it worse. 

“What? I’m not wrong. If we had so much as looked at each other last year at least six seniors would have been getting into our business. Neither of us needed that so we ignored each other. Or are you not upset about that but instead about the fact that I’m calling the two of you out on your bullshit? Because if you are let me tell you that I am not done. I’m seventeen years old and severely depressed and you two do nothing about it. There’s something wrong with me but since it doesn’t fit the picture perfect life you envisioned I’m stuck not knowing. I’ve tried to kill myself three times but you still do nothing. One of these days it won’t be an attempt and you two are going to spend the rest of your lives knowing I needed help but you didn’t provide it. I’m done.”

Connor pushed himself back from the table. He walked out of the room without another word. They could hear him stomping up the stairs. Cynthia sighed and got up. She started clearing off Connor’s spot. 

“I’m going to go be with him,” Evan said before also standing. He straightened up his area the best he could before taking off after Connor. 

Evan hurried up the stairs. He was nervous. He didn't know why. Did have to do with this whole dinner? Probably. It wasn't a great idea. He shouldn't have agreed to it but Connor had wanted him to come over. Likely as a scapegoat for where Connor's been running off to lately. Evan still wasn't sure if it was because Connor genuinely liked him or if it was because they were both reliving the same thing. He liked to imagine that Connor didn't hate him and could tolerate his presence but he wasn't anything special. Connor probably thought Evan was annoying and was going to bail as soon as they figured this out. Nobody liked Evan. Not Jared. Not Zoe or Alana. So why would Connor?

He knocked quietly at Connor's doorframe despite the fact the door was flung wide open. There was a muffled "come in" that Evan listened to. Connor was lying face down on his bed, covering his head with a pillow as though he was trying to block out the world. Evan stood in the doorway until Connor looked up. Conor's eyes narrowed in on Evan, confusion evident. 

"Oh, I thought you would have left by now."

"Why would I?" Connor started to sit up and Evan took it as an invitation to walk fully into the room. 

"Because my family is garbage and I'm a freak." 

Evan frowned and sat next to Connor on the bed. "You're not a freak. I'll fight whoever says that." 

"You'll be fighting Jared quite a lot then. Just let me know when. I'll bring my camera. We can be the creator's thing the next viral video. 'Idiot with family friend fetish gets beat up by a small kid with a tree fetish."

"It's not a fetish," Evan grumbled and sat down next to Connor on the bed. 

"Sure it isn't. That's alright though, it's cute. Endearing. I'm sure more people would be willing to listen to the Lorax if he looked like you." 

It was Evan's turn to hide his face in the pillows. He had no doubt face was red. It had to be illegal for Connor to be this charming. 

"Sorry about the outburst, I guess. I just get mad at them sometimes. It’s like I have this shadow that’s been following me my whole life and they still won't do anything about it."

"You stood up or yourself," Evan found himself saying. "There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it's hearing things bluntly that cause people to change." 

Connor laughed as though he didn't think anything would change. He probably didn't. It made Evan sad. He wished Connor didn't feel this lowly of himself and his family. It reminded Evan how little he truly knew about the Murphy's. He only knew them post Connor, in a period of mourning when returning Connor, both the good and bad, seemed so far away. He hoped things would change. He hoped that Connor, and his family, might see there was good in him.

"You should probably be getting home now. It’s getting late and I doubt your mom would want you staying here.” 

“I don’t think she’d mind.” 

“Trust me, Ev, you don’t want to stay the night. Nothing good happens after dark here.” 

“Oh, okay then. Are you going to be able to drive me home?” 

“Yeah. Grab your stuff and come on.”

Evan listened. He tugged his shoes back on and picked up his bag. They were almost out the door when Larry stopped them. 

“Where are you going?” 

“I’m driving Evan home. It's late and he has a curfew.” Evan wondered if lying came naturally to Connor like it did to him. 

“Zoe can drive Evan home, your mother and I need to talk to you.” 

“Can’t it wait until after? Evan’s my friend, not hers.” 

“Connor. I am not asking. I’ll call Zoe down, I expect you in the kitchen when I get back.” Larry walked away from them. Connor just seemed annoyed. 

“Great. They’re taking my keys away. Fucking great.” 

“They’re what?” 

“Last time they talked to me in the kitchen I got grounded and they took my keys away. I didn’t even fucking do anything, just got a bad test grade because the teacher hates me.” Zoe came to the door. She looked between them before motioning for Evan to follow. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Evan.” 

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Evan smiled at Connor; it felt forced but he didn’t want to leave him with a blank stare. He followed Zoe outside.

Zoe had the nicer car of the two of them. Evan worried about somehow messing up the seats, though Zoe didn’t seem to share the same concerns. She had to empty the seat of papers and clothes for Evan to climb in. 

“Sorry about the mess. I haven’t driven anyone in a while. Things have kind of just accumulated.” 

“It’s fine.” Evan set his bag on the floor and buckled the seat belt. “I like your car, it’s nice.” 

“Thanks. My parents wanted Connor and I to both have new cars. He got away with a used one, though it's still nice. It’s a shame he doesn’t take care of it.”  
Evan didn’t reply. 

\---

Connor had laid his head down on the table. He wasn’t looking forward to whatever his parents were going to say. He just knew they were going to take his car away. They always took it away. His mom was sitting across from him. She looked too cheerful. Connor didn’t hate it, but he like it. It wasn’t normal. That wasn’t the same disappointed look she usually wore when they were upset with him. 

“My god, Connor if you- Oh, you’re here.” Connor looked up and stared at Larry standing in the doorway. Connor shrugged and laid his head back down. “Look, your mother and I wanted to talk to you.” 

“I haven’t done anything. I even went to class today.” 

Cynthia sighed. “We know, sweetheart. That’s not what we wanted to talk to you about.” 

“Then what? You only sit me down in here when I’ve done something wrong and you’re going to take my car away.” 

“That’s not true.” Connor looked at Larry the best he could without picking his head up from the table. “Okay, so it’s usually true, but not this time.” 

“What is it then?” 

“We wanted to talk to you about Evan.” 

“What? Don’t believe he isn’t my dealer? Evan’s the definition of innocence. He wouldn’t look at drugs through a telescope.” 

“Zoe told us about him. He’s the son of the nurse from the hospital?” Connor sat up and crossed his arms. He nodded at Cynthia’s question. “He seems nice.” 

“Well, he is nice. If you’re going to ask why he’s my friend I don’t know either.” 

“No, honey, we aren’t going to ask that. You’re allowed to be friends with whoever you want.”

“Is this all you wanted then? Or is there something else? There’s going to be something else, there’s always something else.” 

“Zoe mentioned something, a support group?” 

Connor narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t expecting this. “Yeah, your point?.” 

“Don’t talk back to your mother, Connor. We just wanted to say we’re proud of you for doing something like this. We think it’ll be good for you.” 

“You think it’ll keep me off the streets, don’t you? You don’t care about me, don’t pretend like you do. If you did you would have put me in therapy years ago. You just want another thing to attach our name to. You Will be Found isn’t about me. It isn’t about Zoe. It’s about Evan. It’s his idea. Our name isn’t going anywhere near it. Now, if that’s all I’m going back upstairs.” Connor pushed back from the table and stood up. 

“Sit back down, we’re not finished.” 

“Yeah, not happening. I’m going back upstairs. I don’t want to hear whatever else you have to say. Go talk to the child who still cares when she gets home.” 

Connor was aware he wasn’t being fair to his parents. They were making an attempt to connect and he was pushing them away. But he found he couldn’t care. They never made an effort before.

Connor wished Evan was here. The smaller teen had done a good job at calming Connor down the past few days. It didn’t make sense with their history in the other timeline but Connor wasn’t going to fight it. He liked the calmness he felt around Evan. 

But Evan wasn’t here right now and Connor was anything but calm. 

It started with him shoving everything off his desk. It wasn’t much. A cup full of pens and pencils, a few loose papers, and a small stack of books. Then he yanked his pillows off his bed and threw them at the wall. His sheets were the next to go. They ended up somewhere near his closet. He was halfway through pulling the books off his shelves when Zoe came into the room. 

“Oh my god, Connor, what are you doing?” 

“Get out.” 

“Your room is a mess. What happened? Did mom and dad say something?” 

“I said get out.” He threw a book towards the door. It missed Zoe, but it was enough to send her running from the room. 

“Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?” 

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?! Why the fuck did you have to tell them about the group? Am I not allowed to have anything to myself or do they have to know everything?” Connor followed Zoe from his room. She was down the hall and in her room before he could catch up. He pounded his fist against the door. “They put you up to it, didn’t they. You’re supposed to spy on me at school and tell them everything.” 

“Fuck you, Connor! Not everything is about you.” 

“IT IS WHEN YOU KEEP MAKING IT.” 

He needed to leave. He couldn’t do this. 

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING BETTER.”

“WELL I’M FUCKING SORRY THAT I'M TOO MESSED UP. YOUR LIFE MUST BE SO HORRIBLE. POOR ZOE MURPHY WITH THE FREAK OF A BROTHER WHO CAN’T EVEN KILL HIMSELF WITHOUT HAVING SOMEONE STOP HIM.”

Fuck. Fuck. Connor stepped back from the door. She didn’t catch that. No way she caught that. She wasn’t listening for it. She wouldn’t hear it. 

“YOU’RE A MONSTER, CONNOR, GO AWAY.” 

So Connor did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im having a weird time so here's this
> 
> thanks lea for helping this make sense you're gr8 10/10 friend

**Author's Note:**

> i need more "evan traveling back to the first day to fix things" fics in my life
> 
> i cry: http://cherlosity.tumblr.com/post/170736761204/commission-for-augment-techs-of-the-fanfic-retro
> 
> join me in protecting your faves https://discord.gg/Pwah8sR


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